I-35 Rants and Ramblings

2003-10-27T09:01:00.000-06:00

10-27-03
My last blog entry. I just wanted to thank those who read this thing who laughed and gave me feedback or fed me the fuel to write this little daily therapy session. I kinda feel like it’s the last day of high school and I should be throwing all my books and locker contents on the floor for “Jeb” to clean it all up while I look forward to the bright light hitting my eyes as I push through the metal clanking doors that have held me in. Well, that’s what my shrink said it should be like. I have another blog at http://yapstories.blogspot.com/ if you want to read some past stuff, I will be discontinuing that blog but I’m trying to think up few more blogs to write on, so if you want to keep following me on the literati journey I’d love to have you tag along.

2003-10-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

10-14-03
I’m waiting to get on the road to the dieway and this punk just sits there with his finger poking out the top of his head, I almost missed the light so I rocketed past him, this was the same punk who minutes before did not wait his turn at our 4-way stop. Now I’m on the racetrack and people are whizzing past me, this I cannot have. And the 30 day paper tags you see on cars, those are to let you know that the person driving that car will go slow, get in your way and generally tick you off for the next however many days are left from the date of purchase. This lady in a Malibu has 19 more days before she has to drive like a normal person, live it up skirt! Since yesterday was Columbus Day the roads were free of retards and maladroits, but wake up today and the funny farm gate has swung wide frickin open. I’m trying to get off the highway and this old man is trying to get on, he practically squeezes me out of my lane, but he doesn’t, I don’t care if he gets discounts on his milk and movies I’m not getting over so he can get on. He either flips me off or gives the guy behind him the old man “okay” sign, I couldn’t tell. But getting flipped off by someone who mirrors the speed limit is funny. Old people have been getting away with driving slow since the first chassis rolled away from Henry Ford’s factory. I finally get off without incident and pull up to the light, this lady in a new VW, paper tag and all, is at the light, it’s on a hill, she has enough room in front of her to play Bocce Ball so I get on her tail so she will get the hint to move up (they always do) but this opposite sex with make-up applied with a trowel driving a Hitler mobile pushes in the clutch and starts to roll backwards! I quickly put it in reverse and move back, the truck behind me is stuck so I wait for her to hit me so I can grab my face and scream till the meat wagon arrives, but it never happens, the light turns and the green color triggers her over medicated brain and she lowers the left foot and then the right and grabs the stick wishing she was someplace else and finally gets the heck out of my way. Now back on the highway I almost wreck because some Alumni of the bad school of driving is on his cell phone and although there is a wreck 5 miles ahead he almost manages to create one right where I am, this grandma is weaving all over the road, smoke from locked tired fills the air and Mr. cell phone as I drive by him with white lips is still yakking! I had the sudden urge just to ram my car into his; post-Columbus day would be better without people like him pretending to pay attention, “Can you hear me now?”

2003-10-10T09:19:00.000-05:00

10-10-03
It’s still on hiatus I just needed to write something. I’m leaving late today because I’m going out of town and I had to get stuff ready this morning along with myself and my “love children” out of bed and down the stairs. Traffic was light so I could zoom going 80mph with no recourse. I’m hauling along and this car is making the most awful racket I’ve ever heard and I tell him once he passes me on the exit ramp, yes you read that right he passed me but he was going right and I had to stop for the light, to “Get that piece of junk fixed.” My son says, “Is he driving a weed eater?” I about wreck from laughing so hard, he then says that it sounds like an angry bee too. Truly out of the mouths of babes. I then get back on the highway and some truck or car, who knows, has spilled those packing peanuts all over the highway and it looks like it’s snowing. I think someone opened a gift and this is the present? This drive to work I hate; I say send it back, postage due.

2003-10-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

10-8-03
I’m going to have to put the blog on hiatus for a while. I have some things at work to tend to. If you would like to submit a “drive to work” story I will gladly post the ones I get, if I get any.

2003-10-07T08:26:00.000-05:00

10-7-03
Well it’s back to the roadway. I got up earlier than the sun but the fog beat me out of bed. The fog was not thick enough to have your lights on the whole time, it becomes annoying kinda like pulling into Sonic across from someone and they keep their lights on, TURN THEM OFF! Pretty soon all you can see are black spots. Traffic was moving today except for the usual “Um, I think I better slam on my breaks here, just always do.” Such creatures of habit some Dorito heads are. I haven’t seen very many Mustangs on the road lately, must the inferiority complex I’ve given the owners of those unbridled power holders. They keep those ponies locked up and outta sight, even when driving them.

2003-10-06T13:14:00.000-05:00

10-6-03
Sorry, no blog today.

2003-10-03T07:54:00.000-05:00

10-3-03
For every bad driver I encounter I’m going to secretly wish them to juggle a hot iron, a cobra and a rotten potato. Or slide down a 50-foot razor into a pool of bubbling alcohol. They get the choice. Today this guy was driving so erratic I was going to summon Trooper Hall to take his license so he couldn’t even ride a Big Wheel. Other than that nobody wanted to race it was just starting to rain so the wipers were going and vemahicles weren’t.

2003-10-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

10-1-03
Amended:
I had a boring drive to work but coming home, now that was fun. I’m jetting along like everyone else and I see up ahead that an HP has pulled someone over. Everyone is slowing down to see what is happening, which is always nothing, so I see it as an opportunity to speed past all the rubber neckers and get ahead of the traffic, I had Chili’s waiting for me, well, waiting for me to pick it up. So anyway, I see an opening and I gently press the accele…. Ha! That was funny, gently press, anywho; I floor the sucker cause I’m cooking with a 6C. This truck sees the same opportunity and quickly gets in front of me, now we have just passed the HP and he floors his Crown Vic cruiser and hits the lights, I’m thinking, “What poor sap is he going to banter?” That poor sap would be me. The person behind me gets out of his way and I look up after hearing that unmistakable noise that makes your lips turn white and your heart rate jump up. I’m thinking why is he pulling me over? I look in my rear view and point to myself like everyone does when a cop is behind them, he points back, that’s all the finger pointing I can take. After I pull over I place my hands on the steering wheel like any good citizen. The HP comes up to my car and starts to tell me why he pulled my law-abiding butt over. Just then a train going parallel to the bridge I’m sitting on blows his air horn. That thing is fricking loud when you have your window down. The HP starts to yell, “THE REASON WHY I PULLED YOU OVER WAS…” He notes this situation and smiles and holds up his index finger. I nod because I one, don’t want to be yelled at and two, I’ll use anything to my advantage. After the freight train passes he tells me that he pulled me over because I was, get this, following too close to the truck in front of me. WHAT? Following to close to a guy who pulled out in front of me? Apparently the HP was trying to get back on the highway to pull someone else over and he saw what I did, not what the truck did. Now I’m thinking if he gives me a ticket I am so going to fight this thing. He asked for my explanation. I tell him that the guy pulled out in front of me, he says, “I know but you could have slowed down.” Slowed down? We are all doing 60mph and you are sitting on the side of the road waiting to get back on and a truck pulls out in front of me and almost cuts you off and your pulling me over? This was richer than Bill Gates! He asks for my revoked license and expired proof of insurance, I gladly hand them over. I was listening to Super Transatlantic so I continue jamming while he runs a check on my stats. He gets out after just a minute or two and comes back to the car. It’s a yellow ticket so I know it’s a warning. He hands it back to me and says, “Lets keep a better buffer between cars, okay.” I oblige with a nod. I now have to get back on the highway with about 1,000 other people following too close. Someone nice sees my plight and lets me in, I do the wave and before I can put my hand back on the volume button I hear that awful siren again. He had whipped out and pulled the guy behind me over. Is there no justice for the kind? Of course after that I kept a buffer, I drove 3 over the limit and checked my mirrors every 5 seconds. Put the numbers together and you get I-35. Now I’m thinking does he know who he just pulled over, I write a blog of my drive and bag on HP’s all the time, I speed, tailgate, flip people off and generally plow my way through idiot drivers like a cannonball through cotton candy. Plus I laugh when people get pulled over and punch the gas like a teen punk on a quarter mile track when I see an HP on the side of the road because I know that it means one less on the highway. Consider me lucky? Nah, just favorable with the world. BTW, Trooper Hall was very professional.

10-2-03
Another boring drive because I keep leaving later and later for work, one, because I don’t care and two, I’m just not in the mood anymore. It’s starting to get cold in the mornings and there is definitely frost on ze pumpkin.

2003-10-01T09:43:00.000-05:00

10-1-03
No blog today, boring drive. I couldn’t even spice it up with some habanera sauce.

2003-09-30T10:05:00.000-05:00

9-30-03
Have you seen the new Dodge Stratus? It has a fag light that blinks when the person driving that hunk on junk start to break. It’s like a frickin Poke-e-mon epileptic device! It was all I could stare at. I’m going to have to drive around town and bust those things out with a hammer, how will I know which ones flash? Who cares, I’m doing my commuters a service. It was raining today so I really couldn’t race anybody but let me tell you this my fellow drivers did not wreck once, it was so nice to see that they have learned how to drive. There is this retired Air Force guy who I usually see bolting past me, he must think his Chrysler Sebring is an F-15. I can never catch him because he knows how to drive that rocket. Today I got ahead of him and floored it; he was on my tail the whole time. Sorry Maverick I’m the new top gun.

2003-09-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

9-29-03
October is almost here. I’ve been leaving later trying to let the nuts get to their nuthouses so I can drive at least 80mph for a few minutes before the delays start to get reported to the eye in the sky. Yea right. It just means the HP’s are thicker and the drones slower. I can speed a little more in certain areas but some places should just be designated “slam break zones.” I did have a little fun with a guy today just because it’s Monday and I’m bored. While I had to slow down this lady behind me had her dog in the car, this thing was huge and it was cold so the windows were up. He, I think it was a he, was all over the back seat. I’ll bet she smells nice when she gets to the office, Co-worker: What’s that smell? Her: It’s my new perfume, Mutt Musk, do you like it? Co-worker: Too busy gagging to respond. I like dogs but stuffing a Bull Mastiff in your Yugo isn’t my idea of fun.

2003-09-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

9-26-03
Ah! Friday. I left late so traffic was no existent, there were more people in my office than were on the road, I like that, I mean the part about less people on the road. I went 80mph for about 10 miles and then I had to slow down to 75mph. But I still made excellent time. I did have to race this truck only because he was hauling and I can’t have that. I eventually whipped him because he had a MO tag and those people are required to drive around MO in a state of sleep. Have a great weekend.

2003-09-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

9-25-03
http://www.fhwa.dot.gov/safety/fourthlevel/msaa/road_challenge.html
Take this test and then read the blog.
Just something to do to break the reading of the day. Sammy Hagar sang, “I can’t drive 55.” Well today I couldn’t drive 5! There was a wreck or something ahead and I never even shifted into 2nd, now that’s painful. But I didn’t go nuts sitting in my car, I just cruised along. I killed it a couple of times because unlike Lars Ulrich of Metallica I was double pumping the pedals but not at a break neck speed. I finally got to speed up to 50mph and I did and more. I was racing time now. After that it was clear sailing. An uneventful Thursday.

2003-09-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

9-24-03
Today I’m stuck behind this guy who lets the light turn yellow, no prob, it’s a short light but he did light my fuse. Next I’m still behind him at the entrance ramp light, he lets that one turn yellow too, no prob, let the turn lane go and then proceed, ssssssss (fuse burning). When it does turn green, I’m red by now; he proceeds slowly like he has all the time in the world and nobody is on the road but him. He is smoking his gay little cigarette with his pinky raised, like its one of the finer things in life, and BOOM! I explode. But I can’t get around him just yet because there are 3 hook and ladders, 1 meat wagon and 9 HP’s hogging the side of the road, apparently someone went over the side of the road and of course everyone is looking so they can tell the water cooler club the gore and macabre story. Nothing to see yokels! Unless you want to go over the side too, here let me help you. It was retro day today on the highway, I’m listening to Steelheart’s “I’ll never let you go.” BTW if you have that CD, the song “Shelia” could easily go in the vault of songs that frickin suck. And then I’m behind this lady with a ZZ Top key chain hanging from her rear view, remember those things, I think I had one. Now I’m stuck behind a Chevy Malibu, the same one who lit my TNT. I try everything to get around him but every lane I get in seems to slow down, I get behind a Chevy Lumina, then a Chevy Impala, of course all these cars look exactly the same from the rear, same make but each model looks the same. I finally get around the guy who way back ticked me off, he gets in the slow lane for once and I gladly blow past him. After that it was I against the truckers, when I passed them I would pull pump my arm so they would sound that horn, now that’s a retro memory.

2003-09-23T12:16:00.000-05:00

9-23-03
Every try to run an errand like getting gas in the morning? I gleefully stopped at every yellow frickin light that KS had to offer. Plus people are never in a hurry when you are; they actually seem to drive slower and slower. One day I will be writing this blog from jail, it won’t be Mein Kampf but my patience is wearing thin on people who occupy the fast lane and do not go fast. I need to get somewhere how did these jokes get in my lane. I didn’t race anybody today, just everybody. I would tailgate people and they wouldn’t move, then in a ticked rage I would drive around them and they would signal and get behind me just as I got into the fast lane. This happened at least 10 times. Now, if you have a cigarette burning and your signal is on and you are just waiting for me to slow down for you I got sad news for you buddy. Put that thing out and drive! If I didn’t like the finer things in life I would buy a beat up car (or just buy a Dodge Neon and let life happen to it) and run into everyone who bugged me on the way to work. Of course they would interview the people and then the watching public would know why I did it, “I was just scratching myself while I was smoking my breakfast and this guy just runs into me.” “I was looking for a CD on the floor and I think I hit him but I can’t be sure cause I’m stupid.”, “I was trying to edge this guy out and he had a pair of cannonballs and I’m about as aggressive as a comatose patient so he hit me.” That would be the sound bite of the month, maybe the Mayor would give me the key to the city, and I might just etch on his limo, “Slower traffic stay home!”

2003-09-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

9-22-03
This will be my 108th blog. If you’ve been with me since the beginning thanks for sticking with it, if you’re new let me know who you are at mrrogers01@hotmail.com now onto where the rubber meets the road. Not much happening today, cool weather makes cooler heads on the asphalt commute. I was driving behind this car that was asphyxiating me to death, silent but violent also works for cars. It had a stolen tag and I could barely see the driver over the seat, probably an X-File case. I think some people are really asleep at the wheel, you have driven behind them. They are in your lane going 10 under the limit; all of a sudden they slam on their breaks and then jet across 3 lanes of traffic to an exit. I mean what the heck? I’m in the fast lane so I can go fast around all the traffic, not so I can lock em’ up and exit right before I’m supposed to. They seem like normal people, too much PimpJuice® in their system I guess. I didn’t have to battle for 1st place as much today, but I did almost buy a new Cadillac. I was doing my usual 80mph to get past all the turkey merchants coming onto the highway downtown and I got over and floored it with an open lane in front of me. Just then Grandpa No Go pulled right in front of me, 80mph to 50mph in one OH (bleep). I wasn’t ticked but if my wife had been in the car she would have slugged me, why didn’t that old man get one for pulling that stunt. He was secretly laughing on the inside, they all are. I may be a whippersnapper but I’m also a necksnapper and a backsnapper if someone tries that too often.

2003-09-18T09:22:00.000-05:00

9-18-03
I will not be blogging tomorrow; I’m heading to Tulsa, OK again. But before I go I’m going to have to WWJeff some of these drivers. Put down the whiskey bottle and hang up with Tiffany from 1-900 land (no offense to Tiffany’s) and drive that metal coffin.
Today the entrance ramp was the start of it all. This law-abiding citizen driving the speed limit erupted my volcano. A little green Jetta with a burned out taillight, he would meet my wrath 3 times. I blew past him like he was sitting still, later I would be sitting still and he would slowly turtle past me causing a metabolic reaction, kinda like Altered States. At least it was nice enough to have the windows down. I was stuck behind this Dodge Neon that looked like it had been placed in a field of paintball players, just plain ugly. When he sped up it sounded like a jackhammer. Then I was behind this Geo Metro or Meo Getro as I call them, he was making coffee with that thing. TUNE UP OR BLOW UP. Finally I was able to pass the Jetta homo and it seemed that 3 semi were hogging the lanes that I frequently speed on, I was doing 80mph and I’m sure making everyone say, “Look at that maniac.” And my 10-minute time saver was met with a dork vomit who thought he could nudge me out so he could get in, I passed this guy 5 miles ago and he wants to even the score, I don’t think so. I sped up so he could get behind me, apparently he can’t recognize a kind gesture so I gave him an unkind one.

2003-09-17T09:08:00.000-05:00

9-17-03
“The freaks come out at 9:00pm” is not the case today. They either stayed up all night or the weather brought them out of their caves. I had to drive behind this lady who kept looking down and looking up, looking down and looking up, looking down and looking up, looking down and looking up, looking down and looking up, looking down and looking up, crazy yet? I was. She finally got out of my way when I was just about to fire a bazooka at her. Then I’m hauling along and I see the traffic breaking up ahead, you see I don’t wait for the taillights in front of me to tell me that traffic is slowing, I can look through the windshield of the car in front of me, always look ahead. But the car in front of me wasn’t slowing down, at least that’s what it looked like. Know why? Because she had no frickin break lights! Plus she was on her cell phone with her mirror bent down so all I could see was he flapping lips, now couple that with her arm hanging over her head like she was in a yoga stretch. See what I mean about the freaks. She used my 10-minute time saver and got ahead of me. I let the guy behind me deal with her no break light having nappy head. Then I raced a bunch of cars to get to the front and then this hog sucking down her breakfast with a big “M” on it comes racing up behind me, I don’t care about her but for the simple fact that if she hits me she will be the only kid on her block with a McDonalds® cup sticking out of her butt. Suck your sugar fix down on someone else’s watch Orca, I’m not in the mood.

2003-09-16T09:08:00.000-05:00

9-15-03
Guts = Glory. Too much Guts = Gurney. I had to blow past this person on the way to the highway because she would be the premise for time moving backwards.

9-16-03
Sorry, it was between a short blog or no blog yesterday. Sick Kid = Half Day, and I never got a chance to type everything out.
Guts = Glory. Too much Guts = Gurney. I had to blow past this person on the way to the highway because she would be the premise for time moving backwards. I raced this little pile of Toyota MR-none (I mean 1). He was coming up fast and I saw him, I didn’t want to let him over because heck if I’m stuck in traffic so should he be. People kept letting him in and he would do the “wave of thanks”, he had his hand up more than Clinton at a sex convention. He somehow got around me, now the temp was 68 degrees but I’m sure my hot hat shot it up a degree or two. There he was in front of me just a waving away like a bon voyager. I made some moves to get ahead but the lane I thought would go fast didn’t. I had to make some crazy moves only because I was among crazy people, when in Rome. I raced an SUV for a nice spot to control the speed of the lane, she was none too happy but live and learn. I raced a Benz but he was cell phoning it so what did he care. I’m almost to the last leg of my drive and I see this squashed down, riding lower than 50 cent, monkey boy on my left. I floor it to 80mph and trap him behind a semi, I was so proud of myself. I go around all the people staring into the sun and shoot my fist through the sunroof (it was open) and give a hearty Aidan Quinn yell from the movie, “Legends Of The Fall” when Brad Pitt was asked if he would marry Susannah. “YEEEEEESSSSS!” I hit my exit with fervor and crank Fates Warning even louder and mimic the rippin guitar solo verbatim. I look over and that scone head is sitting in the turn lane. I look at him with half victory half defeat and he looks my way and gives me, the wave! I about flipped! He drives off and I watch my light turn green. Folks did I win this one or not?

2003-09-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

9-12-03
First up. Tim Murphy my CA fan was involved in an accident on Monday; here is his e-mail to me:
man have i got a good one for you...i was hammered from behind on monday morning -- i was traveling around 70-75 (with the flow of traffic, honest) -- a chick screamed up behind me and drilled me from behind (she had to have been going 90-100) -- spun me out -- she slid across four lanes of traffic hitting another car and the wall -- i did a 180 and didn't hit anything-body else (thank god)...i'll wait until i can get a copy of the police report to scan and send you -- the ambulance came and took her away -- i'm pretty sure she was unconscious when she hit me from behind -- i'll keep you informed...
happy to be alive,
mrf
I’m sure everyone has been in some kind of accident at one time and I’m glad that Tim is okay. He will let me know what was up with the other driver. I’m sure she was under the influence of stupidity.
Now to the lighter side of driving. It rained all night and it was misting so traffic was creeping along like kids in a haunted house, inch by inch. I just stayed in my lane and tailgated a work van. And people please check your headlights! Trucks and cars with the “lazy eye” headlight are annoying. Inspect your halogens. I got stuck behind a Camry; I pulled around only to get stuck behind another one! If this is the most stolen car I know of two that someone forgot to steal and chop. Certain areas of the highway are just lambasted with delays, I know ways around and good for the other people who do too but when I’m trying to get around a group of Bunko teammates I don’t appreciate some outsider messing it up. I’m going along with the flow so I can speed up when I need to and this guy squeezes me out. I’m bumper to bumper with the guy in front with just enough room for Karen Carpenter, that’s it, not an inch more. He squeezes in. He gets tailgated. I barreled down on him until he got out of my way. After that it was smooth sailing. Considering there was rain, I was sailing.

2003-09-11T08:25:00.000-05:00

9-11-03
I know that today is the second anniversary of 9/11. To me anniversaries are to be celebrated as a marker for something good. Wedding anniversaries are the most common. I can’t see any good from mass destruction when innocent lives are involved. Whatever happened on my drive today pales in comparison to what happened on September 11, 2001. Pray for our troops, our leaders and those who have had to endure the loss of someone close. Thank you.

2003-09-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

9-10-03
Wake up people! The next person I see yawning while driving I’m laying on the horn like a slumped over drunk. One day they will give tickets for swerving based on sleep depravation. While waiting to get on the highway/racetrack this Volvo signals to get over, now there are 1,000 cars waiting to get over, what’s one more you say? As you know the law is (according to Jeff) that no car shall cut in front of me unless it has flashing red lights and carries an upright shotgun that splits the bucket seats. Now I have to race this lunch line cutting homo. As we are heading to the light it of course turns yellow and this fembot in front of me slows down, Oooooo I hate that! I mouth, “Go, go go, go! My son says, “She going dad.” Backseat drivers. Anyway she finally goes before the cattle gate swings open and the heard lets loose. Now I’m searching for this Volvovian punk. I never did find him, he must have exited early, coward. People that drive the speed limit are annoying; I can’t get around them fast enough. Some days its like I’m at a blue hair convention, very frustrating. I love it when MO residents try to run over each other, this truck was breathing down this Sentras neck. He wouldn’t back off, she wouldn’t get over. Finally he goes around and she signals and gets right behind him and starts laughing, not sure what that was about. Now the 10-minute time saver has become my quarter mile drag. I try to race the cars I want to be in front of; once I cut in I always get over cause the peachheads always slam on their brakes. I’m going to design a car that will only trigger the break lights if the car slows down past 5 mph. Of course I would have everyone’s support, right?

2003-09-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

9-9-03
Well yesterday our power went out here, the minute it shut down I put my feet on the desk and started to laugh. Cause it was funny to me. Some people I work with freaked out and ripped their clothes off and started gulping their plant water in fear of being trapped on the 18th floor. Such survivalists they aren’t. So we walked down 18 flights of stairs, some so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. While some people panicked I told them to use their cell phone for a little light, fear is taught, survival is innate. Today I didn’t know if I should drive 45 minutes to work and see if I needed to be here or just call and find out. I called, crap! Here I am. At least I had the fast lane to myself and with the cruise set at 70 mph I was on a mission not to take it off, for any reason whatsoever. I hate that when I’ve got the cruise on and I have to take it off just so some brick face can get out of my way, what, they didn’t see me flashing my lights? They didn’t see my snarling face and my bolt action… just kidding. I didn’t dare take it off, even when a truck who had no business coming up on me like a vulture. I made her go around, she exited anyway, now where’s my bolt action…. Of course my 10-minute time saver was open and empty like Wal-Mart at 3:00am. I used it only because this Benz was tailgating me thinking I would move, I knew his checker-playing butt was no match for my chess playing head, he exited and I laughed. At least I didn’t have to drive into the great orange orb this morning. Since the season change all I see in the morning is the sun, I want to drink orange juice, eat Cheez-It® crackers and orange sherbert for dessert. I guess it’s better than seeing red brake lights.

2003-09-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

9-8-03
Monday, the start of a full week, let’s get this over with. Mr. Lumina needs to learn how to proceed when a light turns green, shall I help him with a push? Well they’ve stopped advertising convertible cars and now we are enjoying truck and SUV billboards. With gas prices so high and believe me they won’t be coming down now, how can they think you will gladly smile when your stop at the pump produces a receipt with a comma in it? Not to jump on you SUV drivers but come on, don’t you hate the cost of fueling that thing? I play the gas pump like the stock market, when it’s down I buy. I didn’t have too much trouble with anyone, this one lady thought that ridding my butt like a [Your system has encountered a power failure. Check the mainframe for possible outage and reset according to procedure]

2003-09-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

9-5-03
Today I’m waiting to get on the highway and this lady in a Lumina was holding back and driving slow towards the Dillard’s distribution center and my knuckles are turning white with anticipation that she does not stop and let a bunch of semis out of that place. She slows down and this guy cuts right in front of her so he blocks the exit for the trucks. I will take a cut off any day when it results with that favor. She had to scoot up now, and with me pushing her out of the way it was better. Her car means illuminate, bright light, pull your head out and see the light, to many sayings to list, but she should drive something else cause that car doesn’t reflect her at all. Then I’m stuck behind this lady in an SUV who is creeping along, I know kids who go faster on their big wheels. She keeps adjusting her mirror and looking at me, her passenger turns around and looks at me too. Freaks! Of course I get around her and it’s the wide-open plains in front. I am going to buy a tank off E-bay and start blasting slow drivers. “Watch out! Coming to a highway near you!” It was like a family reunion today. On 4-25-03 I told you about “CITOLDYA” driving slow and me wanting my license plate to say, “NOUDIDNT” well today I saw her and as I passed her I turned my head and yelled, “NO YOU DIDN’T, I TOLD YOU!!” With that she sped up and tried to race me but just like every drunk uncle at any family reunion I made my way through the crowd to get away. I don’t think I ever mentioned a black truck with a license plate of “Boss Hog”, well I’ve raced this guy and what not for a while, when I was walking through my neighborhood last night I saw his truck in the driveway, seems he lives a few doors down from me, more to report when available.

2003-09-04T08:46:00.000-05:00

9-4-03
It was foggy today, like something from a Camp Crystal Lake scene, creepy. Apparently someone thought it would be nice to trash dump on I-35, Hover blankets were flying around, if you don’t know what a Hover blanket is shame on you for not remembering American History 101. Go to http://www.google.com/ and type in Hoover blankets. Anyway, not much to tell. I was stuck behind an SUV for about 10 miles, some battleaxe Soccer mom came shot gunning past all of us, maybe she was sick of going 17mph too.
Traffic was thicker than an accent at the Latin Grammy’s, Livin La Vida Loca? No, Usted Me Vuelva Loco! Looking forward to Friday, short weeks make it bearable.

2003-09-03T09:27:00.000-05:00

9-3-03
Today I was verbal in the car so I’ll try to literati that in type. Maybe it’s the hope of something new that makes me hate the drive to the old; I am getting sick of driving I-35. Not sick of writing the blog, it’s my little journal on the net but when something on the horizon looks better than what the sun sets on, it’s hard not to want it “Sooner” (Oklahoma). And today was not a stellar drive. I’m waiting to get on the highway and this got plenty of time to waste don’t care about the people behind me lets a frickin semi out of the Dillard’s distribution center, not a problem, I’ve bottled my anger until I could pass these people and tell them off. But today this guy in a Ford Taurus last part of the license plate 899 will least expect it when he expects it. I have a few people on my Christmas list and a bunch of people on my shhhh “it list”. Censor that webmuncher! This guy is #1! After he lets the truck hold us up like a duck crossing the road we jet to the light and it turns yellow and he speeds through it, not a problem, the butt munch in front of me driving a Jeep will surely speed up too. No? Okay, wait for the turn lane to empty out then go, No? NO!!! He lets the next light go as well, this has about 900 cars in it, now my BP is 180/1000 my Degree deodorant is failing and my forehead is sweating. Then the light turns green, he proceeds in a leisure fashion down the ramp onto the dieway, where I’m going to chase that son a biscuit eater down and torpedo his Toro drivin butt into the retaining wall. This guy knows I’m ticked so he takes his time, when we finally get on the highway I blow past him and begin my search as Captain Ahab for the Great White Whale, well, more like Kramer for the Scofflaw. I have to keep Jeep butt at bay while I search for the guy who in all disgust might as well have stolen my wallet. I am doing 80mph but since I have the kids in tow I can’t kick the nitro in today. I never do find the guy and it didn’t help that an HP had someone pulled over and all the chickens of the sea got scared and slammed on their breaks. Of course I’m behind a Dodge Neon and he has no break lights, nothing like doing an endo in your car, quite exhilarating. I was still searching for the guy when I pulled into my garage in hopes that he would be close enough for me to take a few years off his life. I absolutely hate people like that. He was probably thinking how funny it was that he got through the light just in the nick of time, well buddy if I ever find you I’m gonna let you know that the guy who had to wait cause you didn’t want to doesn’t take kindly to that crap. I’ll hand him a handicap sticker and he’ll ask what its for. He’ll find out soon enough.

2003-09-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

9-2-03
Welcome back, if you had a long weekend, if you didn’t, get out of here and take a day off! I drove the tri-state eldorado, KS, MO, OK. I won’t go into elaboration of my trip but it was nice to get back home. It rained some, and that was good for my yard but not good when looking for a house. All road signs are pointing towards Tulsa, OK. I will keep my two fans updated as to when this blog will end, not sure about a Tulsa blog, may not need to. But I still have another website http://yapstories.blogspot.com/ if you like my twisted humor and need a daily fix. While the dog is sleeping the cats will play. Now that my yard is no longer littered with out of towners I can resume my duties of judge, jury and executioner. Today I’m waiting to get on the highway and this super nerd is hanging back about 5 cars from the next one up, it wouldn’t bother me but I’m not in a mood to let people think it’s Friday when its not. He was hanging back like the anchor in a race, unbenounced to him I am the rocket he can’t catch. We get on the highway and just like he hangs back at stoplights his true nature does the same on a highway, b o r i n g. Now I’m looking for any pig lip I can race. SUV? Okay, passed a few of those in my day. This one put up more of a struggle than a fight so it was fun to get in front and throw some dust in his face. Of course on any good commute there has to be one wreck, one HP handing out a ticket and someone from another state in the wrong lane. I now pose the question to every driver in front of me who is not adhering to the rules of the road. “Are you drunk, stoned or stupid”? I can usually answer this for them but surveys are the big thing now so I’ll give each test taker a choice. Let’s see today, 3 drunk, 5 stoned and 1,000 stupid. I would grade on a curve but the lushes don’t want to be part of the out crowd. After the whole highway slams on its breaks to make an HP smile under that tough exterior I bolt to go around and get stuck behind a van going the speed of light, Bud Light® I can’t see around him and the cars are harpooning past me, I finally get out and see a mile or so in front of this guy, then he gets behind me and exits. All this within 5 seconds, who are these people?

2003-08-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

8-27-03
I’m waiting to get on the highway and this junked out GMC Jimmy is hanging back about 10 car lengths from the next car up. This makes half of us hang our tailpipes out in the intersection hoping the light doesn’t turn yellow… too late. Now the cars turning left are thinking up things to do with us while this stick bomb just sits there and doesn’t move up. Guess who I’m gonna race. Of course I have to wait to get on the highway and I have a better chance of listening to Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” twice before that’s gonna happen. Finally we get to the entrance ramp; he has only 5 car lengths between him now. Green means go! Now I get a chance to pass this mother scratcher, it’s a vato and his 3 kids who are not strapped in and are bouncing all over the place. Nice huh? Now today the over-advertised Toyota Camry was not my friend. I was driving behind this guy and he leans over like he’s letting the biggest fart know to man, I don’t know what he was doing but I can tell you that he was driving with his knees cause the minute he lifted the left cheek his car went right into the next lane. Mr. Camry may have been letting propane out but the guy he almost smashed into was for sure letting methane. I was cracking up because I think he was getting his wallet out, for what reason I don’t know. I quickly got away from this bean burrito; maybe I should have saved that comment for the vato. Anyway, people seemed to be a drunken haze/stupor today. Drunken cause I’m sure some were, hazed because it might rain and the heaviness of the air makes everyone tired, and stupor cause there are stupid people all over the highways. Another Camry makes it’s way behind me, this guy is tailgating me like he was hooked up to my hitch. I can’t shake him so I figure have a little fun with him, I slow down and then speed up, he does the same, good doggy, now try this trick. I tailgate the lady in front of me and wait for an opening, then I pull out and play tick off, you’ve played it too. Go the same speed as the car beside you; it doesn’t work for long cause personal space is at a minimum anyway so you have to play it good. He finally gets behind me and goes around, good doggy, then I speed up and get ahead and leave him trying to get ahead of the mess I just left him in, bad doggy, outside with you! Now I’m stuck behind another Camry and this lady is moving slower than a bill through Congress. She is in the middle lane, I usually don’t pick on the middle lanners but when I need to get around a snail in the fast lane I sure don’t want to go all the way around. I get behind her and our eyes meet, then mine squint and hers open wide, she moves out of my way, not My Car (Camry), but My Way. HA! Then I battle the junk coming off the exit ramps so I can get to work. I think I will steal a Camry, since it’s the most stolen car right now and keep it for a few days and then take it back to the owner and tell them, the hype just isn’t there. Nah, I don’t need a felony record for taking a Camry, now a Lamborghini I would do time for. Note* I will not be bloggin for Thursday-Monday. Have a safe holiday.

2003-08-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

8-26-03
Today I’m waiting to get on the highway and this Howdy Doody looking, fingers up both nostrils, tuck my napkin into my shirt so my JC Penny country shirt doesn’t get BBQ sauce on it while I eat at my geeks of America banquet almost makes me miss the light that is shorter than a New York second. When we get on the highway he floors it. Now I have to teach this flip wiggle a lesson. Then I’m stuck behind this car that is going 60mph. Not a problem but everyone else is going 80mph, now that’s a problem. I speed up to get around this munch head and some guy comes speeding up into my lane so of course I have to speed up to get out of his way, that never happens by the way, and that’s fuels me. I now have to race this snot; it’s a black SUV. Of course when I try to get around people they look in their mirrors and re-adjust their fingers on the steering wheel and keep pedaling along like it’s no hurry to them. I flash my lights and this does nothing to the lazy occupant in their metal coffin either. Time to get creative, I tailgate and that makes people slow down, after they give me 3-4 miles less I shift and move around them. Works every time, except for semis. Now I’m racing this SUV = Slow Underpowered Vehicle and I’m moving. Then traffic almost stops so fast we all do endos from slamming on our breaks. An HP has someone pulled over, now lets have a lesson here. If an HP has someone pulled over the following would be true.
A. I should slow down too cause he might reach out and pull my car over to the side.
B. I should cautiously break so that the people behind me will do the same.
C. I should throw caution to the wind and just keep driving.
D. I should note that this is an opportunity to speed since there is one less ticket-giving instrument on the highway.
If you answered D, keep reading, if you did not click that little “x” in the far right corner above the little world that keeps turning even though yours has probably stopped, just like everyone else does when they see a cop on the side of the road. Now back to gridville. I finally get around the SUV and I try to get in her lane just to show her that I’m in front but she exits right behind me, now how’s that for irony. Now I’m seeing these stickers or decals on people cars that look like it was shot at. A little bullet hole sticker. I saw a guy on a mudercycle with one on his helmet; I hope the novelty of this goofy half off at Spencer’s thing ends soon.

2003-08-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

8-25-03
You can tell when NASCAR season is here, people start to drive like they know what they are doing, and fortunately they only go 80mph v. 180mph like the real drivers do, and watching it on TV only worked for Tom Thumb (Cruise) in “Days of Top Gun Thunder” Learn how to maneuver that car or I’m going to unleash a bag of bees into your car and then you will think twice about where the brake and gas pedals are. Okay, enough of “would you rather” Is it just irony that red cars taillights burn out faster than any other color car? And of course they’re tapping like Gregory Hines (RIP) on the brake pedal. I was talking with someone and explaining my site and they thought I had “road rage” No, this is therapy, I am the vitamin for some readers who say, “Yea, that happened to me”, or “Straight up!” I would never run anybody off the road and then whip them with my tire iron, or push them through a stoplight just so I could get around them; I’m not that way. I just think people should pay attention when they are driving, we all have to get somewhere and I’ve noticed that when I’m in a hurry nobody else is. But, why not let the people around you know that you are aware, make them aware, the horn is there for a reason. Did you know that geese honk at the lead goose to encourage him to fly faster so they can have better wind resistance? It’s the same reason I use my horn, now I’m doing research to find out if the middle finger is a motivator of the same caliber.

2003-08-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

8-22-03
Friday, it has two meanings now that the summer heat is cooking us all alive. A little trivia for you, did you know that the sun is closer to the earth in the winter than in the summer? So blinding snow has a new meaning for me. School is back in session for our young minds of tomorrow but school is always in session when I’m on the road. I will test you and flunk your butt if you can't operate a car on my watch. Carpool, take the transit or flap your arms really hard to get to work, just don’t get in my way when I’m driving. Achtung! Well since I left a little earlier than usual I had the road to myself, as much as I could bully. Traffic was hauling too. I was doing 80mph and getting passed like a grandma on Sunday. People seemed to get out of my way in the fast lane, all except for this little punk who was “crusin” He was practically hanging out his window, I’ve never seen the appeal of someone who reclines their seat all the way back and leans against the door like their sleeping and then drives a car, I’ve seen it done on the passenger side cause hey they don’t have any responsibilities, they are the passenger. I guess it’s a cool thing, maybe I’m not “cool” but I can sure tell you that they will not be making a movie called, “The Legend of Baggy Pants” anytime soon. So pull up your denim and get checked for scoliosis because that’s the only reason I can think of. I did have to slingshot around a bunch of yokels driving the speed limit, the entrance ramp was emptying out their prey and I sped up and blew past all of them, Mr. Semi didn’t seem to mind me squeezing my 4 banger through an opening a cat would retract the whiskers for.

2003-08-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

8-21-03
I didn’t commute with the am traffic so this blog is a little late and a lot sparse. I must have “hit me” taped to my bumper cause every single digit I.Q. class C driver tried to run into me. A truck, a van, 3 cars. You would think my license plate said I-35 RnR, but it doesn’t, not yet. I did see a plate “Mia Pia” I guess that’s short for that camp song we all sang about the Hershey squirts, that’s all I could sing for an hour after seeing it. And it is hot! 104 at 12:30, I’m not complaining now that I’m sitting in my office but getting here the 4 banger is just gasping for air. It was nice to go 80mph and even funner (it’s a word) to go 80mph past an HP, he was stuck in the exit lane and if he would have gotten me then he would have gotten “Mia Pia” and all the other ones in our wolf pack. I may go down but I’m taking everyone around me too.
Apparently I have another fan in OK, Todd, he is well aware of my I-35 plight. Thanks for the e-mails.

2003-08-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

8-20-03
I know I haven’t been blogging, my only fan Tim Murphy in CA cited me like an HP with a quota to meet and a bad case of Jeep itch. So, today I’m in the 6C, kids in tow, I’ve got some driving to do. I’ve sharpened my hood down to a lethal point so anybody who gets in my way today will be skewered! First up, some lady with a license plate that says, “Monkey”, now I don’t know about you but that is the last thing I would advertise. I of course have to speed up and look at this “monkey”. This late night Taco Bell® ringing greasy haired dump truck has monkey covers on her headrests. I would have thrown her a rotten banana but I used it on the guy who wouldn’t get out of my last week. Now I’m trying to get around this van, you know the kind they show on the news with a drawn composite bad guy picture. I quickly got away from this “Bundy mobile” We’re not talking Al Bundy here. Coming up on my 10-minute time saver I slide in and give Mr. Lexus behind me the wave, wave returned. Then I wave bye-bye to those behind me and jet to the bend where construction has become a sore sight. It’s one of the best exits in KS. You can go 100mph on it, most people take it to avoid downtown traffic, and they’ve had it closed for a long time now. KS is usually great about fixing their roads, not sure what the hold up is. Must be employing MODOT workers to fix it, “Wake up boys, time to go on break.” Then my son says, “Why is everyone always hitting their breaks?” “Is it cause they don’t where the vertical pedal is?” Maybe he should write this blog.
Also, I owe you guys 5-10 of the things not to do in a moving vehicle.
5. Moon someone (you’re driving remember)
6. Try to pick up one of those orange construction cones from your window. (You would be reenacting a scene from Mad Max, those things don’t move to easily)
7. Clip your toenails.
8. Read any men’s mag i.e. Maxim, Stuff, FHM. You do need both hands for driving, well one at least.
9. Vert off the retaining wall and pull a 540 tail whip flair followed by a nose grind. (That was for you Tim)
10. Drive too fast to work in order to read my blog. Unlike a circus tent entrance an HP is handing out the tickets, not taking them.

2003-08-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

8-6-03
Sorry no blog yesterday. I will give you two more things not to do in a moving vehicle though.
3. Argue with On-Star.
4. Play “Operation” by Milton Bradley.
Sometimes I write about the same old thing, the road is still the same, the drive path pre-mapped and the drivers around me (or behind me) unchanging. I can say clever things and tell you how the Fast and the Furious were smoked by the Best of the Dubious. Definition - 10) gamesmanship. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000. ...permeated Washington (David M. Alpern). 2. The use in a sport or game of aggressive, often dubious tactics, such as psychological intimidation or disruption of concentration. So, that’s me huh?

2003-08-04T09:03:00.000-05:00

8-4-03
Not much happening today, smooth sailing, nobody to race, and nobody to run over. There is this one truck that I always see taking up the fast lane but they are always ahead and exit before I can see who they are, one day, one day. Okay are 2 of the 10 “Things you should never do in a moving vehicle”
1. Circumcise a baby.
2. Put your contacts in while driving.

2003-08-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

8-1-03
Today I’m turning to get on the road that takes me to the entrance ramp and this cell phone yakking, Fantastic Sam’s haircut sporting, Cheerio eating, bug-eyed monkey gets in my lane. He then speeds up and I loose him because of the city truck in front of me. When I see where he is at after that I know whom I’m going to race. Of course he runs the yellow light and makes me wait while I rev my 4 banger to the red line. Three, Two, One. I’m off! I’m doing 80mph, the fast lane is mine. I’m looking for this Saturn driving punk so I can hand him the “beat by me card”, but I never did find him, may his cell phone bill have a comma in it. Now onto the other drivers. It seemed that pre-misery drivers were in a hurry today as well, I never did break suddenly like I usually do. Guess I must have left the club footers behind me. Okay, now put your left hand on the steering wheel and place a Virginia Slims cigarette between your fingers, oh, forget that, place a pool stick, they are about the same length, now place your other hand on the wheel but make sure you hold a coffee mug the size of your body in that hand, now drive a 2 ton metal barge. Are you talented? No, you are stupid. I thought a cigarette was a chaser for a beer, ah, now I know why that mug was so big. She was listening to Kid Rock and getting ready to pour a 40oz on the curb for her homies, or homets, whatever.

2003-07-31T09:39:00.000-05:00

7-31-03
The last day of July. Today I couldn’t find anyone to race until…. There were these 3 Moe’s in a BMW, and just like trained orangutan’s they would turn their misshapen heads to the right every time they passed a car. It got quite annoying. Especially when they passed me, but as fate would have it they got in the fast lane and realized that it was for fast cars. So, I passed them later and just laughed, it wasn’t a race but traffic was as thick as Delta Burke’s ankles so it was tough to get up to pass them. The last food listed of this dumb survey. Chocolate. Tempting but treacherous. Try to clean it off the steering wheel and you're likely to end up swerving. (Is that what makes people swerve? You know trying to clean something off the steering wheel, who does this, I tend to park the car and get the Armor All out and then clean the steering wheel.)
Okay, since that was the worst on-line survey ever, cause it was, I’m going to make my own. “Ten things you should never do in a moving vehicle”. Coming next week.

2003-07-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

7-30-03
Sorry, no blog yesterday. But today we be bloggin! There is the Z-28, the Z-24 and even the Z3, but did you know there is also a car called the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Yes, it’s true, it’s that car that drives in the fast lane but doesn’t actually reach the posted speed limit. All carmakers are guilty of manufacturing this auto, of course they would never admit it, well, Lee Iacocca did when he told everyone he invented the Pinto. (Put in new transmission often). Today I boxed in an HP, he was just finished giving some poor sap a ticket and he was pulling away from the side of the road with his lights still flashing. I of course knew that he was just doing that to get people to slow down, but not I. He got in the fast lane and was moving up (without lights flashing) and I was going 70mph in the center lane. A delivery truck was in the fast lane going 65mph, the HP slowed down and couldn’t see enough room to get in front of me, so he backed off. I slowed just a little and a then car came up behind me. Then I sped up and passed the delivery truck and then center lane followed me. As I watched it happen I sang a Molly Hatchet tune, “Flirtin’ with Disaster” I saw him escape about a mile back, and then I started singing, “Beatin’ the Odds”. Then I had to deal with people swerving all over the road; there is no wind so I don’t know what these people are doing. There are two more “foods you shouldn’t eat while driving left, it was a terrible survey so I’m doing one of my own. I will post that next week. Soft drinks. Prone to spills and sudden fizzing if car makes sudden movements. Cola fizz in the nose is perilous while driving. (Unless you have Cedric the Entertainer shaking up your favorite soda outside a port-a-potty I serious doubt you’re going to get that much fizzing.)

2003-07-28T10:04:00.000-05:00

7-28-03
Monday’s, who needs em’, me! I need to get myself going and driving among the people tattooed with work helps that mission. Not too much happening today, since I was driving 50mph for half the trip. I followed a BMW with a guy/girl/don’t know who kept scratching their head, and I mean scratching! You would think it was a cat going at a leather couch, better its leather couch than mine. Cats don’t always land on their feet you know. Anyway, Brillohead® finally gets out of my way so I can use the 10-minute time saver. I thought that would never get here. I lost fuzz fingers after that, who cares huh? Now I’m forced to deal with those people who strategically place themselves on the road like bumpers on a miniature golf course. Of course I don’t ping off any of them, but I’d sure like to, and if you’re wondering, yes, I’m shooting for the clown’s mouth. I finally get downtown and people are running yellow lights, people walking in front of my car, it’s over now, thank my horn for that. 3 more foods you shouldn’t eat while driving left on the survey.
Jelly or cream-filled doughnuts. Dangers relate to oozing while cruising. Raspberry jelly stains difficult to remove. (Raspberry?! Bavarian Cream or nothing at all!)

2003-07-25T08:44:00.000-05:00

7-25-03
Someone left the crazy gate open, not enough “hug myself jackets” to go around. Dillard’s distribution center, red semi-truck, me, of course I won. I was moving today, but not without the mindless drivers around me. Semis were all over the place today, one tried to squash me before I get on the dieway, 40 of them trying to smash everyone else. This motorcycle I followed needs to go back and take the test again, he got between two semis, helmet or not, you are still going to be the bug stuck in the grill of that 5 ton machine. Then some guy thought there was enough space to fit his little GMC truck in between those semis too. Lets just say that when you see smoke coming off the tires of an 18-wheeler it’s not going to be pretty. I tried to get away but with traffic packed in like a sandwich in Roseanne Barr's mouth, there was no room to move. Finally people started moving over and getting out of the fast lane and letting trucks do the same. Now I’m using my 10-minute time saver and this white car comes zooming up behind me, there isn’t that much room to thread in but this chick does it! Of course her passenger was smoking like her so there is one hand occupied, which leaves the other to pick her nose. They somehow get in front of me, one strike, then they cause everyone to slam on their breaks, two strikes, then they find a way to get way ahead of me, three strikes, you are out! I now have someone to race and beat. I speed up because aggression beats stupidity every time. I go around the cars putting along in the fast lane and blow past this little girl and her passenger, I tried to box them in but they exited so they could go commit some crimes I’m sure.
Fried chicken. Ditto. Grease coats everything you touch. (This survey better get better, some of these are just too stupid to comment on.)

2003-07-24T08:10:00.000-05:00

7-24-03
No one to race today, well this black car did give me a challenge to box him in, so I did. I recommend Revis “Places For Breathing” CD while commuting. Every song is good. Check em out. Now back to the stupid survey.
Barbecue. Spicy and dicey. There is the temptation to lick your fingers. More grease on the steering wheel. (WHAT?!?!?!, Who among us besides an octopus can drive and eat barbecue with both hands? NO ONE! I don’t even want to meet the person who eats BBQ while driving; I would have to shake their hand with a wet wipe secretly covering mine. Besides when you eat BBQ ribs if you’re not getting BBQ sauce on both ears, you’re not doing it right.)

2003-07-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

7-23-03
Sorry no blog yesterday, I went to baseball game, I will have to say that people coming out of a stadium parking lot are much more courteous than I thought. Well, let’s get to today’s drive. Not much excitement. I did have to follow behind this lady putting on makeup while operating a Ford F-250 while driving with her knees. She was all over the road! I just laughed cause if she would have gone off into the ditch I would have just driven right past. I don’t want to be a witness at her trial. The usual veins flowing into the arteries as I call an entrance ramp, is always full of “vehicleculol” these are cars that slow up the process and make everyone slam on their breaks. I want to push these cars off the road! Speed up and get on the highway, don’t think for a second that the good people of KS will let you in, be aggressive, or go home and catch the JO. And there’s this thing called a side mirror, it is actually used for something. Of course when I see one busted out cause the dolt operator hit the side of the garage or the fat food sign often makes me wonder if they ever used it anyway. It’s like those people missing a rear-view mirror. They can’t see me boiling over and getting mad, I don’t like that, it just shows that they don’t care what is behind them, such arrogance, but since they have a windshield to see through I can always make use of that.
More on the survey of bad foods to eat while driving.
Hamburgers. Grease, ketchup, mustard on your hands, your clothes and the steering wheel. (There’s this thing called a wrapper that the fat food giants put around the dead cow, “Please discard after use”, not before bozos!)

2003-07-21T08:43:00.000-05:00

7-21-03
I now have a 5-minute time saver to get on I-35, it doesn’t bypass the Dillard’s distribution center but hey it works for me. Today I hauled; the left lane seemed to be reserved for me. I did come upon a chatty Kathy on her cell phone, nothing in front of her and she breaks for Casper sending me around her and right in front of her, she was laughing and smiling when I passed her but when I got in front of her that smile disappeared. Now I’m no lip reader but watching years of NFL football I can make out what they are saying when the top teeth hit the bottom lip and well, you know what they say. Of course she said it, well, get off the phone if you’re going to be in the fast lane, some lessons are hard to learn. Then while in the fast lane these cars in front of me seem to think that letting a semi and Coors Light truck in front will win you a prize, not true. I became the silver bullet and got around these 3 when my 10-minute time saver came a calling. But before I passed them Ms. Fast Lane Cell Phone passed me and looked over at me, I just started laughing, nobody does that like me. Now I’m behind a Ford Thunderbird, it’s slick, it’s sleek, its going 55mph! We are all going 75mph, see the dilemma. Sinatra would not be proud of the way this car was being driven. I got around this Sunday driver and headed on. Now this red Dodge truck and I are playing cat and mouse, well, cat and cat, we weren’t racing but helping each other out. If I saw an opening I would let him in and he did the same. But when I was coming upon this lady who was taking her time I got over, I’m that guy when standing at the back of the checkout lane another lane opens up, too bad if you’ve been waiting in that line for 9 days, I will move from behind you and get in the short line, deal with it! Of course she makes me use my lip reading skill again, I think she called herself the “A” word cause it wasn’t me who tried to pull out in front of a car going 20mph faster than me. I lost the red truck on my exit but if you see an ice-cream man with his shirt off what does that tell you? Do these people have to be the most scummiest to drive these vans? Is it a requirement? I guess the days of the Good Humor man are gone. More wrong foods to eat while driving.
Chili. Dangerous drips and slops down the front of clothing. (Again, who is eating chili while driving, this survey is about as useless as a screen door on a submarine, as worthless as parachute made from Swiss cheese, as ridiculous as a thong diaper. But it’s still something to read, right?)

2003-07-18T09:02:00.000-05:00

7-18-03
Today I must be the leader of the pack, don’t ask why, I just need to be out front. This is all well and good while backing out of my driveway. I’m cruising today, either half the city overslept or I just caught a good break. Then I see it, blonde wig, dark sunglasses, it looked like Michael Caine in “Dressed to Kill”, he was the bad guy remember. Anywho, I have a flashback of that movie, now I’m going to have to rent it. I didn’t race anybody, didn’t care to, I’ll give em a day off. I’m jamming to Bliss 66 “Trip to the 13th”, so the aggression isn’t flowing, yet. The semi trucks seem to be hogging the road today too, I don’t know what it is but when 3 of them are on the road they pull some “Duel” thing, another movie for you buffs. I can’t get close enough to pass them cause I’m 45 cars back but I can see them just taking their time. Then traffic comes to a stop, I mean stop, we don’t move for 5 minutes, I’m wondering what has happened. Slowly we drudge, inch by inch, now the aggression comes out, I can’t move, I can’t get over, I can’t stand it! When we finally get up to where this “accident” is, I see a guy standing by his Ford Escort. Just standing there, he isn’t looking under the hood shaking his head, he isn’t kicking the tires, and he isn’t doing anything. And to make it most painful it was right before my exit ramp so I couldn’t even speed to get there. Then I’m pulling into the garage and since I was going 5mph on the highway I kinda want to go at least 30mph on the downtown streets. This guy pulls from his parking spot in front of (I’m sure an expired meter) and almost hits me! It was half my fault for not looking so I mouth, “sorry” but he is a jerk and gives me a dirty look, forget it then, I’m not sorry, fuzzy headed freak!
Number 3 food not to eat while driving.
Tacos. A food that can disassemble itself without much help, leaving your car looking like a salad bar. (Now I choose the soft tacos when eating in the car along with the bladder buster 90oz Pepsi. Call yourself a hardcore taco eater huh?)

2003-07-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

7-17-03
I’m sitting at the light waiting to get on the highway and I see this white pile of junk blow past me. I’m thinking, “He is going to get at the front of the pack and tick me off”. I thought right. So now I have someone to race, and beat. Now I don’t discriminate against any county, WY has it’s own problems but this JO county, unless you live her and pay the taxes you do not get to speed up to the front of any traffic light and pass a bunch of cars with JO for the county designation. Good thing they have me to deal with such riff raff. Now, I single this Hoop De Ville out so I can point my finger at them while I laugh. Off we go! Unfortunately I’m stuck behind this lady in a Nissan Altima, apparently she did not test drive this car before she bought it. Unaware of the power it holds I tailgate her like she's got me attached to a pretend trailer hitch. I finally see this person whom I’m going to extend my phalange at, he is 500lbs, a stand in for Jaba the Hut, more like Pizza the Hut. So wasting him was no problem. Then I see someone strange. I’ve seen a naked guy walking down the street on my way to school once, I’ve see plenty of car wrecks and even dogs on the dash boards of people cars but this was the winner.
Your husband’s electric razor: $65.00
Using it secretly while you drive: Talented
You are woman: Disgusting!
Getting caught by me so I can post it: Hilarious!!
Another food you shouldn’t eat.
Hot soup. Many people drink it like coffee. Same effects. (When I have soup it’s in a bowl and it’s surrounded by 1000 club crackers, not in my car while I try to operate a 2-ton metal ramstein.)

2003-07-16T08:45:00.000-05:00

7-16-03
With Pantera’s “Reinventing the Steel” blasting through my speakers just bruising my brain (this is a no ballad CD if you know what I mean) I begin to tackle the drive to work. As I’m waiting in the line to get on the dieway I see cars fly past me and I’m thinking if they get in front of me at the top of the hill I’m gonna have to blow them all away. 1 Mercedes, 1 Acura, let the checkered flag be waved, along with the American one too. Of course these people have used up the space that the rest of us could have been in so when the light turns yellow they hurry through it, then I see that this car is waving people in front of it like a 3rd base coach, now I’m fuming. Be nice some other place, this is the radial gridiron lady!! So now I have 3 blockheads to race and beat. When I finally get up to the green light, which could change at any second, I see this person who let everyone in front of them change lanes and go over the bridge! They weren’t even in the right lane, they talk about the “one that got away” well, this is the one that escaped. So now I finally get on the highway and I’m going 85mph to pass the Mercedes, I do, she was no challenge, maybe to her husband. Then I go after the Acura, he speeds up after he sees me pass the German mobile and I’m betting he will be a jerk and make me take him down like a sumo-wrestler against a 2nd grader. He puts up a little fight but with Pantera screaming in my head I won’t be beaten. Then I come upon this lady who is swerving all over the road, It’s 7:30am, I guess it’s not to early for a Stolichnaya on the rocks. I quickly get away from .10 and turn up the guitar solo. Now I’m hauling. “MEL” was on the road today; I first met “it” back on 4-22-03. I still don’t know what it is; some mysteries are never to be solved. When I finally get downtown I see this Acura in front of me, his windows are grimed over even though it looked like tinting. I pass him and it looks like the inside of his car is on fire. Smoke thicker that Steven Spielberg’s wallet in there, bet he smells nice. For the next few days I’ll be telling you about foods that you shouldn’t eat while driving, of course I’ll add my wit cause surveys are so boring.
1. Coffee. It always finds a way out of the cup. (Now if you go to McDonalds and spill coffee it actually turns into money when it hits your leg or feet, hands, other unmentionable body parts. You’re better off keeping a fish tank on your dash.)

2003-07-15T09:28:00.000-05:00

7-15-03
I’m in a ranting mood today! Traffic was moving slower than a bill through Congress. It is hot too, 80 degrees in the morning! My water bottle was sweating like Latrell Spreewell at a spelling bee, until he got the word “choke” to spell. I’m sure there had to be some 900-car pile up and bodies all over the highway with every news outfit there filming, right? WRONG!!! It was 3 cars pulled to the side of the road; each had a little bit of paint from the car behind them on their bumper. This fat pig walked around his car to check the damage and if he would have stepped a little farther into my lane, then we would have had an accident, now couple this with having to drive behind a truck I can’t see around for 3 miles. That didn’t even put me in a rage; it was when I finally got around Mr. Ford F-150 that I realized there was about a fricking mile of nothing in front of him! I exploded. I got around him and drove 80mph, he then pulls from the left lane, the fast lane mind you, and slingshots around me. Oh! This is the last slice of anger for me to eat. I barrel up to 85mph and I’m grinding my teeth the whole time, it helped that Taproot was melodically screaming, “You’re mine!” through my head. I was coming up on my 10-minute time saver but since the whole stretch of I-35 was backed up the remaining stretch was open to those who know how to speed. I still used my short cut but Ford boy was moving, he must have known I was racing him, he tried to keep a good distance. Of course his lack of brainpower showed he doesn’t know that an exit lane on the Missouri side is a bad place to be if you’re not exiting. So I jet right passed him and snarled “Yeeeessss” He is now forced to follow my lead, I never let him in front of me again. I moved in and out of traffic like I was on the set of a car chase movie. I was good. Then I get to my exit and people must love to run red lights, I’m sitting there and the light is redder than me and this lady just takes her time getting through the light, if I had a carton of rotten eggs I would have painted her car with them, some people.

2003-07-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

7-14-03
This is truly a Monday, people on I-35 cannot drive, well they drive me crazy, that’s about the only driving they do. Imagine you are in a hurry at the mall and everyone is strategically placed to be in your way. Slow people, some people looking around, and some people just staring ahead like they are hypnotized. But, you are on a highway doing 75mph! It was tedious work but I managed to make it through. I hate it when people are driving slow in front of you, hitting their breaks every 3 seconds for nothing, then you get over to go around them and then they get over to change lanes behind you! What is up with that!! If I drove an old clunker I would just slam on my breaks so they would know what it’s like. I had some guy whip right in front of me and leave about enough room for a piece of trace paper to fit between our bumpers. I chased this jerk for about a mile, I didn’t care if he had his grandma in the car with him, it was a stupid move and it deserved to be punished by the enforcer. Then all the cars come screeching to a halt, don’t know why, and still don’t know why. I guess the road must have reared up and caught some sleepers to wake them up. I was waving like a congressman today also, letting people in, returning the let in, the only good thing about the drive. Then when I get to the garage there is the woman in a GMC Envoy, she is driving –5mph, it was painful. She should rename that thing NOVA (wont’ go) cause’ voy means go and she wasn’t in the least.

2003-07-11T08:32:00.000-05:00

7-11-03
Well it’s Friday, time to dust off your tailpipe and drive like madmen. Let’s just say this, I don’t dust, except for people. I have coined a new word, “Lassie Chassis” It brands those cars with u g l y people driving them and if the car is ugly too, well then the name is a synonym. If I see one more Mini Cooper come flashing past me I’m going to stomp my foot down and smash it! How did the Brits get this car over here, isn’t that we have customs for? I have a remote control car bigger than those things. I did have some guy tailgating me so close he could have seen my clock radio, I sped up, he sped up, I slammed on my breaks, he slammed on his, he was a quick thinker. I felt like that rhino that had some guy with super-glue on his hands stuck to my backside. The problem was he was driving a dinky little car, but I guess when you’ve got a tailwind you better take advantage of it. He finally let off and got over two lanes to exit, all that spilling of his coffee for no reason. Then I raced a guy through the garage, that’s always fun.

2003-07-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

7-10-03
It rained last night so the air is cool, the drivers are not. I counted 9 cars stalled by the side of the road, half are just begging for that orange sticker that says, "This vehicle has been designated for towing if not moved by ________". I know, I stopped to look one time when I was bored and nobody was around, and now you have been enlightened. Today is a special blog because I had a passenger, someone I work with needed to drop their car off for service and it was on my way so, of course I'll help a co-worker out. Before I got to the service station I counted 4 wrecks, 4! What are these people doing? Roll your windows down, crank your favorite CD and drive; some people are 0 for 3 on that request. No cars to race cause I didn't want to scare my passenger. They drive like I do so it was refreshing to know someone else thinks the roads are full of idiot savants. I told them about my 10-minute time saver, they were appreciative to know. Other than that nothing major. I did block this lady from trying to get in front of me. I saw her whipping in and out of traffic like jackrabbit on speed. So when she got close to me I wasn't about to let her in, she thought slowing down on a hill would be smart. Maybe I should put an orange sticker on her car but have it say. "This vehicle doesn't not have enough power to do anything, please tow it". I did get to follow my friend with the personal license plate "MOST" through the garage this morning; she has gotten better but still seems to be searching for a parking space. Not a problem, there are only 1000 of them!

2003-07-09T14:19:00.005-05:00

7-1-03
Double blog today! I forgot my kids diaper bag so I had to drive all the way back home and then come back so the excitement is two fold, twinseptional, a double shot....
I saw this girl in front of me at the stoplight running her fingers through her hair and rubbing her eyebrows slick for a more stream lined woman, she adjusted her shades and then pulled down her visor mirror to check her....?!?!?!?!?!?!! IT WAS A FRICKING GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!! It had the worse mustache of any chick, um, thing, I had ever seen! I released a volcano of disgust, my son then told me, "motorcycles have two wheels". I told him women don't have mustaches, no response as he pondered my reply. Then we get on the highway for some real fun. Mr. SUV is unaware that he is not the only one on the road; I let him know he wasn't. Fast lane is not just a crappy TV show on FOX, it's a real thing and it's used by motorist who go fast, live and learn. Then I'm forced to go from 0-60 in 8 seconds and then from 80-5 in less time. Someone was stopped on the side of the road, why do people slow down??? I don't care if someone is stopped unless it's in the middle of the road, the side is not a reason to Jake brake us all through the windshield! What is it with mini-vans and moms? They drive like nuts! I would expect the dads to do it cause they are stuck in a kid mobile and hating every inch of the drive. But it's moms who are lit on something to make them drive like bats out of hell. Best stay clear of these kamikaze mommies. Now the ride back home: It's just as bad going the other way but people are driving worse. Some guy in the fast lane is twiddling his stick and my BP is rising by the second, I finally get around him and he is still messing with something, geez! Of course the HP's are done with their coffee and cruelers so they are ready to play cops and speeders, too bad I'm not, I passed two HP's who were doing the limit, its nice they set the example, I'm late, but you can still learn from me, go 5 over the limit people, it won't land you in a cell with a bunk buddy named Manson, grow some sacks people! Now back the other way to work: The 9:00am people are amazingly slower than the 8:00am crowd. When you see a guy in the fast lane with his hand resting on the passenger’s headrest is assured that this person is cruising and has no plans to move. Be advised I will not allow these people to exist any longer!! And if they have a beard they have been doing it a while. My index finger used for pointing and picking is next to my middle finger used for raising awareness. Another psycho minivan mommie, I got out of her way, she had that look in her eyes. Now since I'm late I don't care about speeding so I just take my time, I did have to pass another HP who was just cruising, matter of fact so was I.

2003-07-09T14:19:00.004-05:00

7-9-03
It's so hot the cars are sticking to the road and that is why they are going really slow, right? It looked like a truckers convention today; they were all over the road and not letting anyone pass, except me. People have no guts, I blow past trucks, they kinda weight 5 tons and it takes a minute to get them moving. 0-60 in 9 seconds is hardly a minute for a car, but of course nobody knows about their vertical pedal underneath their right foot. But they know about the horizontal one don't they. Once I passed all the Charlie Gordons in my Flowers for Algernon maze I was free to do 80mph. Eat my overpriced gasoline fumes Charlie!

2003-07-09T14:19:00.003-05:00

7-8-03
Its hair was slicked back, it had Jr. High glasses and it was going 95mph! I saw it coming up behind me so I got out of the way, I don't do that often, hell, never, but I know my arse end was going to get run into by this teen-age looking, greasy haired just got up from my boyfriends brothers house and I'm late for my shift at the Spit Pit punkette. Not a looker at all, heck when she does the splits 20 class rings fall out! Other than that, nice riding. I did give the wave to a guy who let me in but he was so sleepy his head hit the horn when he fell forward and woke him up. Get some rest people and stop listening to talk radio on the way to work, sing or something to keep yourselves awake.

2003-07-09T14:19:00.002-05:00

7-7-03
I guess my lead flat foot (Pb pes planus) did not go away overnight. I was doing 80mph before I knew it. That must have been why the school bus driver gave me a dirty look after the kids boarding screamed in terror. Just kidding. Smooth sailing most of the way. There was a wreck in the left lane (fast lane) but since everyone was driving so good we all just drove around them in the ER lane. Some cab got kissed by a Corolla; I didn't care to stop and gawk at a bent bumper. Now the drones behind me might have, who's to say. I was gone before the foreigner could open his door. Happy Monday!

2003-07-09T14:19:00.001-05:00

7-2-03
The HP's are thick today! Of course they want everyone to slow down and take it easy. HA! Don't they know who I am? I'm the road bandit, the speed eater, the... guy who drives to work 5 days a week, that's who I am. So this means I can drive 80mph if I want. I did pass two HP's today, they are going 65mph, good for them, I have someplace to be not just someplace to go. I got stuck behind a cruddy little KIA Sportage, which I think is the dumbest name for a suv (note the small letters, those things are not big enough for the SUV capped letters) Who named this thing? Pauley Shore, "I'm going to get some grindage in my cool little Sportage, buddy". Tard! Of course it had no break lights so I'm tapping like Gregory Hines in the movie "White Nights" all over my brakes. I finally got around this sumo-wrestling ape, you think people would check their cars but as I've mentioned before KS doesn't require inspections. There was a proposed law that would drop the property taxes and replace them with car inspections, it would clean out the roads a lot, people would actually have to spend money to keep their car on the road on not just in the driveway. Of course it failed, it would generate a ton of money for the car dealerships and automotive stores, but not congress, that's why it failed.

Note: I will not be bloging Thursday or Friday, maybe a special blog on Monday from all the holiday driving I'll be doing.

2003-07-09T14:19:00.000-05:00

6-30-03
A Pontiac almost met with demise when some 4-wheel operating dew brain thought it would be nice to let a truck out of the Dillard’s distribution center. 2 more seconds and he would have been driving a Ptiact. I couldn't see who let the truck out so everyone in front of me ate dust. I followed a Nissan Pathfinder all the way downtown, this guy could drive! Such a nice change to know that others than myself yearn for an idiot free highway. I did have to leave him to fend for himself around the exit ramps, but he whipped in and out of slow cars so I know he probably got to work faster than me. I don't signal, wait, or allow people to get in front of me when I'm ready to exit, I just get there; they are too busy picking their nose to notice me anyway.

2003-07-09T14:18:00.003-05:00

6-27-03
I left way early this morning so the roads were mine, or so I thought. I was doing 80mph and I was getting passed! I felt like Rusty Wallace. This just proves my Hypothesis that the faster people leave earlier in the morning and the slower ones clog up the highway arteries like a Frito pie through Calista Flockhart. No matter, it was nice to do 80mph and not have to slam on my breaks down to 40mph within 10 feet of space. I was cruising along and when I was coming around the corner of the highway and a terrible pungent smell filled my car. It smelled like someone had taken a skunk, punched him in the stinkballs and threw him on my dashboard. It was awful. I was checking around for Rosie O’Donnell to be standing on the side of the road with her arms in the air but no. I quickly sped up to get away from death creeping into my nose. Then I hammered it all the way to work. The exit ramps were backed up like Star Jones toilet so I had to miss a light, but my witness that people really do drive fast in the fast lane soothed me like a Tucks on a hemorrhoid. Have a nice Friday.

2003-07-09T14:18:00.002-05:00

6-26-03
Distribution center, another fatal mistake. This time it would be a minivan, what is up with those people. It's not a school bus where you....wait it is like a school bus because it's full of kids and you have to stop all railroad crossings and stopped cars and dogs in the street and.... I let her go cause I'm sure she was already beat. Then I see this guy with a license plate "FREAK" he was kinda freaky looking, I mean nothing like "mama let me out of the tater cellar or anything, Oh, he means he is freak in other ways, like what? A carne? But now this jacko in a Honda Accord (with a luggage rack) comes barreling up behind me. He was not driving very well at all. Every time I wanted to get over he was either in my lane or going around me, I grew angrier by the minute. I quit being nice to the guy and just started pulling out in front of him and cutting him off too, he had no disregard for anybody. He looked like he owned a 7-11, if you know I mean. I had to exit and I couldn't play cheetah and gazelle any longer. I only hope he runs out of gas and has to walk a mile to get it. After that this screaming cheetah was doing wheelies, destination known but unknown.

2003-07-09T14:18:00.001-05:00

6-25-03
More bumper stickers to report, "Gun Control Is Hitting Your Target", "By George, Washington Finally Has Leadership" YES!!! Traffic was jammin today, but there are those who think the fast lane is their lane, if someone has their arm hanging out the window while in the fast lane they must be taught a lesson. And if that person is driving a carload full of illegal aliens well, the lesson will be most painful. I didn't feel bad cutting them off, they didn't move anyway. Stupid vatos! Then I see this van pulling an empty trailer that was shaking like Star Jones on a liquid diet. People are scared to pass it; I blow around them and the scared trailer too. Then I'm stuck behind this guy who every time he drove by a car he would check out the girl driving, yes some are cute and better but do you think they are going to stop and talk to you? give you their number? Just write down the tag number and stalk them like a good perv. But worse than that the "Chio mobile" was ahead of him doing 55mph. So eventually I grew angrier. :) :] :| :[ :( :O I barreled past everyone and did 80mph all the way to work. Fast lanes are for fast cars, remember that.

2003-07-09T14:18:00.000-05:00

6-24-03
Today I saw a funny bumper sticker, "Buckle up, it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car" It was brutal driving today, and I don't know why, there were no wrecks, no children playing jacks in the middle of the highway, just a bunch of drones mindlessly driving to their destination. Since it's nice now the highways are being "touched up" of course this happens on the Missouri side (like it will do any good) MODOT is what they are called, for the longest time I didn't know what the heck that meant, I thought it was a grunt name for the convicts who had to shovel asphalt all over the road while pretty girls in convertibles sped by, now that's punishment. It stands for Missouri Department of Transportation, yea who cares. But they put up the start signs telling you to slow down, like I'm only going 3mph how much slower can I go? And the finish line saying "End Road Work" Yes!! End it, stop it, quit it, do it at night! I'm tired of all the road construction and delays, and for what? So they can have the 3rd worst roads in America, Missouri is starting to make Mississippi look like Las Vegas.

2003-07-09T14:17:00.003-05:00

6-23-03
A rainy Monday, this should be fun. There were 1000 semis on the road today, nobody has the smarts to go around them, and they just ride behind them and cause traffic to back up. I, having more guts that a blue whale does do not care about semi trucks, unless they are bearing down on me. I sped up to use my 10-minute time saver road and I saw an opening so I got in. Then as if all the cars behind me saw me get in they all sped up and got in front of the grandma I got behind. I was searching for a victim, a blue minivan, but of course I got stuck behind this pedophile (with his thin little mustache), he was stroking it the whole time. I got so sick of being behind him when I finally did get a chance to go around him he gets right in my lane as I trying to pass him, I exploded! I was so sick of being behind this mo that I unleashed a fury not seen by many. After that I was on cruise control set at 90mph. Still searching for the blue whale I passed 25 cars just going under the limit of 50mph!!! It was raining and I was flashing my lights at everyone in front of me so they would not pull something stupid and make me smash them all over the road. I'm glad the Monday drive is over, and I yielded to no one, I never will.

2003-07-09T14:17:00.002-05:00

6-20-03
A Friday treat, I didn't write it but its sure funny.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have serious considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, AND is armed.

Flip one off? ... I think NOT.
(This guy is a woman! Who else would know stats like that from Cosmo? Well, I passed another HP today, he was going 65mph, and I was going a needed 70mph. Then he got ahead of me and exited on my 10-minute time saver path, people freaked out and I drove right around them and lead the pack. It was like a bunch of Brownies around the Den Mother, no cojones and no cohetes either. Well one of them might be packing)

2003-07-09T14:17:00.001-05:00

6-19-03
Today the line to get on the highway is longer than Pinocchio’s nose after a locker room chat. Someone not pressed for time lets a truck out of the distribution center; fortunately this doesn't open the floodgates. I'm behind Mr. Saturn. We get to the light and it turns yellow, he slows down?!?!?! I yell "GO" and he inches ahead and finally takes off, I've got Rammstein blasting through the speakers and with the windows down and the top open my dark, foul and white power soundtrack flows out from my car. Time to let the sixth planet know where he belongs, behind me. I jet onto the freeway and blow him away, apparently he didn't like this so he rides me for a long time, with Rammstein growling "Du Hast" (You Hate) in German and blistering guitars in tow I just let him paddle along. He finally backs off and exits, instead of giving the finger, I gave the hiel, just kidding; I was too busy pounding my head against the steering wheel in sync with the drums. After that I cruised, I was done for the morning.

2003-07-09T14:17:00.000-05:00

6-18-03
Smooth sailing for a while. When I make my 10-minute time saver blast I can usually slip right into traffic and continue with the flow but today a HP was sitting right where I would have cut in. I know that he wouldn't let me in cause it was too close to the merge factor so I dropped in a few cars back. People are so scared to pass a HP, he is going 40mph cause traffic is slow, going past him doing 45 will not get you jail time, some people have no guts. So now I'm stuck behind a bunch of nervous little people who are fearful of which way the giant will turn his head and make eye contact with them. HP finally gets off and everyone speeds up, such creatures of habit. I'm in the 4 banger today, a white Honda, toilet paper. A Dodge Cacavan tries to come into my lane, I will not be his butt wipe, then 5 minutes later another Dodge Cacavan tries to get in my lane, what is up with that? After I get away from the "turd mobiles" I'm trying to get over into the middle lane so I can escape this madness and this stupid chick is right in my blind spot, I put my signal on so she will slow down so I can get over, she doesn't, I give her a minute, that was 55 seconds too long. She still won't let me over so I just get over and probably leave 1 inch between my back bumper and her front one. She doesn't slow down or anything, fine by me. I drive until I need to get over, play tick off with me? Lose to me, duck lips!

2003-07-09T14:16:00.004-05:00

6-17-03
All of this happened within 1 mile. I'm driving to get on the entrance ramp and some idiot lets someone from the distribution center in, we all slam on our breaks, I almost kiss a Mercedes Benz. My son yells at the lady, "Move!" "Dad she's in our way." As Meatloaf once said, "You took the words right out of my mouth." Then we finally get to the light, this gives us all time to get color back in our faces. Now the people who are driving while the light is turning yellow hurry up except for this one lady. She waits and when the cars from the red light start coming she takes off, she is trying to push a semi off the entrance ramp. He is laying on the horn; apparently she is a Fear Factor champion or something. Such dolt’s people are. Then I start to get on the highway and this lady with New York plates is in the right lane and she isn't moving over, there are 3 lanes with nobody in any of them and she stays in ours and doesn't get over?!?! We all wait while she hogs the lane and then we all get on and scatter like ducks after a rifle blast. I have to catch this yankee and release the third metacarpal. I catch her and extend. Now I can relax. Okay, done. Then I see the Fear Factor minivan, I catch up to it and it has a "My kid is an honor student at....." The apple did not fall from this tree here, the kid must be adopted. Now this monkey thinks he can squeeze in between two cars who aren't going to let him in, he tries and the cars just scoot closer together, ah, I love teamwork. After that I cruised, I had seen enough to last a whole day's drive.

2003-07-09T14:16:00.003-05:00

6-16-03
Post Father's Day. Let the dad's have a day to drive like maniacs (All day's that end in "Y" included, plus when we are late for something) Taurus SHO was in front revving his cruddy smelly Detroit smog maker, he must be minimized! We take off and he is slowing pulling away, but I am quickly pulling ahead. I get in the middle lane and trap him between two trucks; he has one in front of him he can't see around and one behind him bearing down on him. SHO = Super High Output? Nah, SHO = Slapped Hit Outtahere! Then I see this black car with idiot interior just cut off this minivan, not nice. I'm trying to get around this dad in a Honda Accord, he has a car seat in the back but if that thing is non-occupado let's push the gas pedal a little harder shall we? Mr. "Black Car" exits before I can administer the bird, lucky, lucky. After that I was the boat and all others were just wave runners.

2003-07-09T14:16:00.002-05:00

6-13-03
Today I cruised, 80mph WD. Mr. Chrysler on a cell phone learned where my blind spot was, let's not forget, shall we. The sticker on the truck that says. "If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you" works halfway with cars. If I can't see you I'm getting over, and then you will see me. Here are the last of the top fuel-efficient cars tooling along our nations roads.
Volkswagen Jetta TDI 42/49/45 mpg
Toyota ECHO 35/43/38 mpg (This thing looks like an ant next to an anteater)
Toyota Corolla 32/40/35 mpg
MINI Cooper 28/40/32 mpg (You've seen this little British looking thing, it looks like someone Austin Powers would drive, yea baby!)

2003-07-09T14:16:00.001-05:00

6-12-03
Top open again today, extra gel in the fro so no hair will be out of place. Back on 5-27-03 I wrote this "There were these camel jockeys in the car with "Koran" on their license plate, Oh no, no, no! With Zack still churning "Battering Ram" and rippin on a solo I just had to get in front of them." Today those same sand eaters were in front of me, but Breaking Point was cranking out "27" and with another rippin solo I blew past them as they babbled nonsense. Arabia is east girls, go east! Then this Joe schmoe was driving up behind me and weaving in and out of traffic, I knew he was going for the opening I would have taken. He did get in front of me and I never saw him again, believe me I looked cause I wanted to run him down. I was pushing slow cars out of the way all morning, sleep-drivers. I did use the 10-minute time saver to much advantage; everyone was stopped in the fast lane, ha! Fast lane. I floored it and got in front of all those nose pickers. Then when I get to the garage this lady is pulled up half way between the gate, an SUV is in front of me and she yell's "Move up!" I laughed cause this lady was such a dope she needed a wake up call. She finally pulled up and got out of the way. Here are 3 more fuel-efficient cars to make you want to sell your SUV.
Volkswagen Jetta Wagon TDI 42/50/45 mpg (Jetta's are cool, I'd buy one)
VW New Beetle TDI 42/49/45 mpg (Nazi car)
Volkswagen Golf TDI 42/49/45 mpg (They forgot the last part, Volkswagen Golf cart)

2003-07-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

6-11-03
WD 80 = a good day to be had. A stupid person in a SUV thought they could take up the left lane and "drive" to work, nay nay. Pushed them out of the way. Then an HP had someone pulled over at the end of my 10-minute time saver so everyone was checking their seat belts and I zoomed right in front of them that is such a good feeling. Again some unknown thought he would race ahead of me and make me wait behind him, with Incubus blasting from my factory speakers this would not happen today. As I bellowed the line, "Should I apologize, Oh did I crack your shell". I stuck him behind a truck doing 20 under the limit, learn from the master or meet your disaster. Now the EPA has put out a list of the top 10 fuel-efficient cars, of course these are CARS and not SUV's, these things are small too. Kinda like a go-cart but with a radio installed. Here are 3 today, with their mpg's stats.
City/Hwy/Combined
Honda Insight 61/68/64 mpg (How bout outta sight)
Toyota Prius 52/45/48 mpg (Prius out!!)
Honda Civic Hybrid 46/51/48 mpg (Gas and electricity, if they don't get you at the pump they will get you at home while you charge it up.)

2003-07-09T14:15:00.005-05:00

6-2-03
Rain rain go away... you know the rest. It started raining at midnight last night and it's still dropping "sky water" as my son would say. It took me 2 hours to get to work, I never went above 40mph! But I did get to see a lot of personalized tags; since I'm going 1000mph most of the time I seldom look. ITSCHER, no it's not. POSTMAN, I thought they delivered rain or shine, what's he doing on the highway? Then a guy with a Husker license plate wanted to get in front of me, flash once for yes, apparently they do not know what that means up north. Half-hosier. Then I'm going along, 37mph, and this van just cuts me off, I flash my lights and release the finger. I maneuvered and got around this bozo, then I got in front of him so I could spit all over his car with mine, ah! Justice.

2003-07-09T14:15:00.004-05:00

6-5-03
Today my son was talking with me so I concentrated on 2 things. He saw this SUV coming in our lane and he yelled, "Daddy don't hit him!" I explained that the driver was brain-dead and he would have hit us if I hadn't sped up. He was content with this explanation, cause he knows it's true. Then I turned on the CD player; Joe Satriani began his guitar assault on my ears. My son asked, "Is this Rock N Roll?" I assured him it was, he smiled and played air guitar with we, love that boy. Then I'm sick of driving behind slow people in the fast lane, like well people at a hospital I wonder what they are doing there. I go around them and get in front of Camryn Manheim's fatter sister; she has a white headband on with her sunglasses on top of her oversized melon. This is not a good look for this tank. Her car is not much bigger than her, a Chevy cop car, I can see her fingers turning blue cause her fat fingers are cutting off the circulation. I quickly speed away, it's like looking into the sun, burn your eyes, not good. I jam past everyone and head to my exit; CM's fatter sister is now behind me. Must escape, then she has the nerve to tailgate me, I raise my middle finger in protest, she backs off. I saw a license plate frame I must have, it said, "I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting" I don't tailgate but I agree with the person, of course she drove faster than me so I couldn't draft, dang it!

2003-07-09T14:15:00.003-05:00

6-10-03
Today while I'm waiting to get on the race track I tell my son to hold up his juice cup, he does, I hold up my Aquafina bottle and we clunk plastic, a toast to the day ahead. Green means go and red means stop, right, but what does yellow mean?? Go real fast and then realize you’re a chicken and slam on your breaks so you can make everyone behind you, hate you. I guess that yellow from the light must find its way down their back and belly. Grandma let too many people in front so the first shall be last... Then I'm getting on the highway and this Chevy Malibu thinks it will run me down, as Martin Lawrence would say, "Oh Hell No!" She tried to go around me but the cars wouldn't let her, then she tried to push me out of the way, another misfire, then as she was exiting I got in her lane and laughed and laughed, idiot. I saw this Rastafarian cab driver today, he was a Bob Marley look a like. With all this Digimon, Pokemon crap on TV I'm thinking about starting a cartoon with a Jamaican who bums for food and smokes Marley's the size of his, anyway, I would call it Jamacamon, kids would watch it cause they are mindless drones and with "mon" in the title I'm guaranteed a cult following. Is it customary for people who smoke to lean out of their windows? This dirt bag with a wrinkled shirt and a cig was racing in and out of traffic trying to get past everyone, tick off time! He got beside me and signaled, yea like I'm going to let this jobless jack in front of me, and then he gets behind me and rides me like a Wal-Mart pony. I don't mind cause I'm paying attention and he's smoking like a "Jamacamon". I see the cars slowing down in front, I wait for the last possible moment and quickly get over, I loved it when his mouth fell open and his cig fell in his lap and he couldn't decide if dying or putting out his crotch on fire was the best choice. Pay attention!!! I cruised to work after that, I was done for the day.

2003-07-09T14:15:00.002-05:00

6-9-03
NEW JERSEY AND Maine have passed laws prohibiting those with learner’s permits from using cell phones or other wireless devices while driving. The NTSB said it wants the 48 other states to adopt similar laws, although it can’t mandate the change. “We think that inexperienced drivers should do nothing more than concentrate on the driving task,” said Joseph Osterman, (a man) director of the NTSB’s Office of Highway Safety. Board chairwoman Ellen Engleman (a woman) said the NTSB doesn’t know enough about cell phone distraction to recommend a ban. A study released last year estimated that about 1 in 20 U.S. traffic accidents involves a driver talking on a cell phone. Though the study’s data were incomplete, the research from the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis suggested that drivers talking on their phones were responsible for about 6 percent of U.S. auto accidents each year, killing an estimated 2,600 people and injuring 330,000 others.
(Who's right, who's wrong? Who's on the cell phone right now? I still think the pat your head and rub your tummy test would work.)

2003-07-09T14:15:00.001-05:00

6-4-03
With Seether growling "I want to be that magazine she wastes her life on." I would not be stopped today. I passed a shaved ape that was just driving to work, go back home! Then I was stuck behind this Isuzu (bless me) Trooper and she would let a car in front of her and I would hold up hands and beg the question, "Why!” then she would do the same, if she was mocking me may she baby burp her lunch all day. I got around her and cranked Seether a little higher, "She's got nothing to say, she's got bills to pay." Then I'm driving behind this chick with a mop for a hairdo, no kidding. It was Clairol Nice and Easy No. 120 Natural Dark Brown, but with mop texture. Gross!! And she kept running her fingers through it; I would not want to shake her hand. I quickly got away from her. Then the middle lane slows down to -5mph. Some snail was just driving, I cannot stand people like this, be aware of where you are dumb dumb. We all raced around him and shook our heads. I'm going to install a dash cam so I can tape my ride to work and then show it on the local news and call the segment, "Is this you!" I will target those who drive under the limit and those who drive under the influence of stupidity. It will be a hit and if I go national it will be a hit and run. Get it? Ha! I'm so creative.

2003-07-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

6-3-03
Today traffic was backed up like a toilet at a 24 hour Wal-Mart. I was waiting to get on the highway and this lady in Monte Carlo with fat knuckles speeds up past everyone and I'm thinking, "She better not cut in front of this long fricking line!" My thoughts were shuffled to the back of my brain; the race card was filed to the front. It's go time baby! She was 5 cars ahead of me, I jet on to the racetrack and I'm pedal to the metal pushing a 4 banger past its limit. I see her in the right lane and I move to the middle lane to box her in if she is even stupid enough to try and speed up to pass me. I'm going 85mph! I finally pass her and she looks my way and I raise my fist in the air and scream "YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Who cares if she thought I was nuts, she can file that thought in the back and file "Beat by Jeff" in the front. One down, many more to go. I had the top open so the cool air kept me from heating up. Nobody else was worth the challenge so I just stayed in the left lane and pushed people out of my way. There is a billboard advertising this slogan, "Be a Braveheart" Now that doesn't sound to bad cause it's an advertisement for some goofy dress-up like a kilt wearing Scot and play with swords day at some park. But they have a guy standing on the billboard and his head is right between "Be (his head) a Braveheart" Now, does this mean Behead a Braveheart? Now that would be worth seeing!

2003-07-09T14:14:00.004-05:00

5-27-03
Trying to find someone to race after a long weekend is like trying to find an ugly girl at the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini contest, ain’t gonna happen. But, I did do something today that I usually despise of other people. There are these car dealers along I-35 that try to sell you cars and trucks. They have shameless promotions, "Open on Sunday" "Free Pepsi" crap like that. They have these hot air balloons, giant eagles and this giant blue gorilla. He has his hands in the air, cause that's what you do when you arrive, hands up, get ready to get robbed. My son loves to see the giant blue monkey, today I was trying to get him to look at it, he couldn't see it, don't know why. But I slowed down to help him see while I was pointing. When I looked up, this lady was on my tail, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel. Ooops! She got that look, like I probably gave her at one time. She speeds up and goes around me, race time! I jet up to 85mph to passed her and with Zack Wylde growling, "Life, Birth, Blood, Doom, the hole in the ground is comin round soon", it was well worth it. Then I was stuck behind a POW. He was driving too slow so I got around him too. There were these camel jockeys in the car with "Koran" on their license plate, Oh no, no, no! With Zack still churning "Battering Ram" and rippin on a solo I just had to get in front of them. Then this guy with a huge mustache is in the exit lane going 50mph! He has one of those amateur radio license plates. 0M3YU, whatever that means. I am waiting for him to get over or drive off the road. He just keeps going the same speed so I speed up and get in front of him and he gives me the thumbs up sign with a stupid look on his face. I give him the thumbs up sign too with an equal stupid look on my face, igmo! He got off at the same exit I did, probably going to meet his other geek friends at Perkins to eat undercooked food.

2003-07-09T14:14:00.003-05:00

5-30-03
When traffic comes to stand still and you're calmly waiting for it to move one inch and an HP comes rocketing along in the ER lane at 95mph you know it's going to be a long day. 2 HP's, 1 meat wagon, 1 fire truck, 2 road assistant truck and 1 wrecker. That's what passed me in the ER lane. When I finally did get up to see what had happened it was pretty messy. A murder cycle and a minivan, the cycle was picked up and leaning against the retaining wall, the minivan was smashed all on the back, glass everywhere. I'm sure they were working on the injured; I hope somebody made it through that. I didn't feel like racing anybody, for about a few miles. Since everybody was stopped behind the wreck when they did get a chance to move they did. I raced a Camry and blew him away. Then I had a chance to box in a truck that did not know what the fast lane was used for, I did. I passed him and boogied around all the slow folks. While exiting "Mr. Volvo" thought he would go around me, no, no. I waited until he turned left and then I went around him. Nobody passes Jeff, well a few emergency vehicles can.

2003-07-09T14:14:00.002-05:00

5-29-03
Well the count is in. Memorial Day will be remembered by 8 more families for Missouri, Kansas, none. 8 deaths on MO roads, they should change their sign to say "Missouri has the most dangerous roads in Missouri." Those hayseeds would get that one. The signs were all there, writing on the wall, banners, posters and commercials. To that I say, "Sevas Tra" (Art saves), but nobody wants to do anything about it. The money that the casinos suck in is not being spit out on the roads. It is going to the politicians who take it under the table while MO residents (and commuters) take up the tailpipe. Most people would think I'm being too political, but it's policy (short for politics) that makes rules, then laws, and then governs them. I would like to make it change but I'm not moving to Missouri, I spend 8 hours a day there and that is enough. I did actually get to put my cruise control on today, it was nice. I took half a day off that is the only reason.

2003-07-09T14:14:00.001-05:00

5-28-03
Well it's been a month of blogs, my how the time flies when your flying.
Add a little light rain to a commuters drive and all things are impossible. I opened the top and prepared for some dragin. That's what the kids call it. 2 Fast 2 Furious. It was smooth sailing for a while; I hate people in the fast lane who are not going fast. I have been flashing my lights; it affects some and effects others. They usually speed up which is good but when they get out of my lane, it's all the more better. Today was such a day. HP's had people pulled over left and right, why do people slow down? The cop is stopped, he won't reach out and grab your car and pull it to the side, chickens! I just laugh when I pass a stopped car by a cop, especially today. These punk kids with their flannel shirts and spiky hair, deviants!! If I don't care to flash you I will just speed up and go around. I did this too many times today. And while I was going to change lanes this SUV got right in my lane and almost hit me, race time. Him and Mr. Audi were on my list of knockdowns; they both got in the left lane cause they think it's fast too. I jetted around all of them to the right lane and beat the oncoming traffic. Suckers! I laughed as Zack Wylde groaned, "I am the nail in your hands, I'm forever your eternal battering ram!." Ah, that will make a blue hair exceed 45mph on the highway.

2003-07-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

5-23-03
Friday, Jeans Day, Payday. A tri-fecta, a hat trick, Trinity.... Good thing this is a long weekend too. Smooth sailing for a long time then this math professor looking guy with a beard, white shirt, striped tie, comes up fast on my tail. He is crawling up my lowest common denominator, he tries to get around me, and he does. But Mr. Polynomial doesn't compute my 10-minute time saver, I evil grin as a pass him while he looks my way. Looks like I passed Algebra again. Then I was behind this car that was making noise like a coffee maker. I'll take a double caf-decafe please. There was a cop who pulled over some Benz's, nobody slammed on their brakes to gawk, we all just blew past em' like they were sitting still, well, they were. And any car with a Dealer tag will be driving 10 under the limit and talking on a cell phone, I have never seen any different.

2003-07-09T14:13:00.004-05:00

5-22-03
I'm driving behind this SUV and a bumper sticker attached reads, "My Attitude, Your Problem" Nice huh. Well that's just cause to pass bumper sticker witch. She's probably ticked off at the world because some cop gave her a ticket for double-parking her broom. Then traffic gets thick like lies at a singles bar and I notice an HP has pulled someone over, the Pontiac driver in front of me thinks that this would be a good time to rubber neck. First of all, it's a traffic stop, nothing exciting. The HP hasn't brandished his weapon, the person isn't getting the SMACKDOWN! on the hood of the patrol car, there is no reason to even care. But Mr. Pontiac thinks there is, I ride his butt like a pimple and he sees me mouth the words, "Let's go grandpa, Cops is not being filmed today." He speeds up and acts ticked off, like he has a right. I speed up and chase him, race time. He is no match except for his supped up, ha ha, sorry, car. Anyway, I box him behind two trucks that have no desire to even reach the federally mandated speed limit of 60mph. Then I see this jerk cut off this SUV in front of me, chain reaction makes me slam on my breaks too. Another Pontiac, this time a Grand Am. He is in my lane of 10 minute around traffic time and I'm hoping he exits cause I will be giving him the finger all the way. He does, smart for him. Jeff - 2, Pontiac - 0. Then this Jeep is coming up behind me, I need to move to the front so I jet around a slow car and get ready to change lanes to the middle lane, so does Jeep boy, but he doesn't signal he just gets over as I am. I have about a mile before I'm at work, I must race and beat this guy for sure! He does a few of my moves, but this student will soon be wearing the dunce cap. He is in the left lane going towards I-70. I speed up and pass all the traffic trying to exit downtown; I get past him and point my guitar-picking finger right at him. He quickly looks away, schools out for today.

2003-07-09T14:13:00.003-05:00

5-21-03
Wed nes day. Dear Mr. Ford Explorer, since your SUV is red and has no brake lights I'm forced to flip you off, take no offense, I don't. I'm sitting at the stoplight and this mom leans back to get something her child has dropped and accidentally balances herself on the horn. Her daughter sitting in the passenger side mouths, "Sorry", now that's a nice kid. Of course the kindness ended when the light turned green and I'm moving to the head of the class to get on the highway first. I am blowing away mini vans, Suva’s, BMW's, all were fair game. Those who were in the fast lane were now in the passed lane. Cops were thick again today, click it or lick it, yea right. I did pull a super move today; I was barreling up to pass this truck that for whatever reason was going 60mph while we are all going 20 above that. I moved around him and floored it, the entrance ramp was emptying out its next victims, I sped up and fit myself strategically in between all of them and while they were checking their mirrors to get over I was gone! Then I come upon a cop, he is doing 60mph, speed limit obeyed. I moved around him and passed him, everyone around me freaked out and slowed down, I just laughed and took advantage of the police fear bestowed on the people behind him, chickens! I did see this guy jamming in his car to something heavy, I wanted to flash him the \m/ sign but he was soloing. Most likely his morning coffee.

2003-07-09T14:13:00.002-05:00

5-20-03
I often wonder what people are thinking when they are waiting to get on the entrance ramp. "Did I close the garage door?" "Did I turn off the coffee pot?" "Did I forget the kids?" Whatever it is I need it to stop! When I'm at the back of the line waiting to get on the dieway I see a car turn and go down the ramp, then another, then, nothing! What are these people doing? I am tailgating the heck out of the lump in front of me so that others can get on before the light turns red. Half the time they are on their cell phone the other half, sleeping. Today I blew past all of them, I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sporting the 6C so I was hammer down. The cops are thick cause of that new crackdown on seat beat felonies, har har. Officer: Here is your ticket cause you didn't click it. Me: Here is my ticket, now stick it! Now everyone is driving 9mph and checking their mirror, serve and protect me, don't martial law me. I did get stuck behind this Ford F-150 who was on his phone looking around with his left signal on, 3 no no's by me. I bolted around him, jerk. Then all of a sudden everyone jams their brakes! I'm hoping a space ship has just landed for such ridiculous jamming of the pedal. But I see a roadside vehicle in the ER lane, he is dragging a tire under his back axle, throwing up dirt, dust, nails, rocks, everything in the ER lane into my lane. Great! It finally lets go and I'm waiting for that road hazard to roll into my lane but it doesn't, quick prayers do work. Then I race these homos in a busted up Toyota Celica, it was probably a nice car at one time, nah, it never was.
Now I will pick on Toyota, how fitting.
Toyota.com offers this statement on their website:
Roll over each of our vehicles and discover what makes them distinctly Toyota.
That could not have been worded more poorly. Of course they mean roll the mouse pointer over the car picture and it tells you about that model, but still.
They have 18 models but I will pick on just a few.
Celica - still ugly, after all these years.
Matrix - I wonder if they are paying Keanue Reeves when someone buys one, he gets a royalty check and says, "Whoa"
Avalon - Nicer than a Corolla.
Camry - "My Car" slogan from Toyota, too many on the road, they have 9 different models too.
Corolla - Short for Carollaover!
Echo - A strong wind would blow this cardboard car off the road.
Prius - It's Toyota's gas/electric Hybrid car. Yea, when the electricity ignites the gas you will be beggin "Prius" out!!
Rav4 EV - Will be discontinued, *sniff sniff, no more to laugh at.
Land Crusier - Love this one, big, mean and takes no prisoners.
4Runner - Love this one too. Little brother of the Land Crusier.
Highlander - Sean Connery movie. Is Toyota going Hollywood?
Trucks - All of em' look beat up. They don't age well either. They used to be nice trucks before they left the lot.

2003-07-09T14:13:00.001-05:00

5-19-03
Traffic was moving nice today, I think I was going 70mph for more than 200 feet, amazing. I didn't have anybody to race until the very end. This shaved ape in a BMW I passed in the beginning came to know my wicked ways of driving when all of a sudden "it" tried to get in front of me when I was coming off of the 10 minute time cutter exit ramp. I let a guy in front of me and he gave me the wave, wave returned. Then KoKo thought it could get in front, I cut her off cause she ran out of smarts about the same time she ran out of road. She must have been smoking some Sensa million with red hairs to pull that move. Then I jetted to the front and tried to box her in but she exited and I never could see what the thing was, I'm guessing a genetic experiment gone terribly wrong. Then I had to follow a lady in the parking garage who was going 2 mph. She was looking around the whole time. Her personalized license plate said "MOST". Vanna I would like to exchange a letter, yes, an "L" to replace the "M", I like to solve the puzzle!
Tomorrow I will pick on Toyota, when reversed in your mirror reads atoyoT, "Toy" either way.

2003-07-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

5-16-03
Usually when it rains it washes the smelly city and the dirt gets cleaned away. Good people stay in bed and call in "fake" sick. But the other ones get up and think they will drive the highways, these people must be stopped! Also, road rules are not being taught. If I am behind you and I want you to get out of my way, I will flash my lights at you that means move. If you want to get into my lane, I will flash my lights so that you know you can get over. Like most people, blink once for "yes" and twice for "no" is common knowledge. But to drivers in the rain it is.... an excuse to play dumb, to slam on your breaks and almost wreck, to loose all brainpower, I think. Have these people never wanted to get in front of a semi? That's what trucks do. Such dolts! Being that it was raining I didn't want to race anybody but I sure didn't want to be behind someone so they could throw liquid dust in my face either. I had to pass a lot of people cause of this peeve. Some guy in an Accord thought he would try to go around me so he could get in front, guess he didn't like my gleeking. But I don't let him around, I don't care to. So I boxed him in and tried to keep him there. I did but he bolted and got stuck behind a semi who flashed his lights to let me know it was safe to get over, see Honda boy, that's how it's done. I most note that Dodge makes some of the worst cars rolling. Here is a run down, literally, of their models. 9/10 of these cars are rusted, all bare some awful fading paint job and without duct tape would be all over the road like the 8-foot raccoon on the exit ramp.
Neon - A terrible excuse for a car, terrible colors too. Rusts in 3 days of purchase.
Stratus - When not in the shop a good car, when not in the shop. Looks good on lot only.
Intrepid - Comes in green and blue only, apparently the same color to Dodge.
Viper - Who would pay $83,795 for a Dodge? A fool and his money.....
Durango - Gas-guzzler for $27,655.
Dakota - Junk.
Ram - Gas-guzzler for $19,530. A Hemi belongs in a Dodge Charger only. Blasphemy!
Conversion van - Good for partying only.
Cargo van - Good for hiding the bodies of the ODed partiers.
Sprinter - *New. Looks like a double decker bus, re tar ded!
Caravan - Cacavan.

2003-07-09T14:12:00.003-05:00

5-15-03
Back to the qualifying round of the I-35 25. I take one day off and people just go to pot. Today I jam on the highway with a 6C and two kids; I'm looking to race somebody. I see this wild sight, 4 semi's weaving in and out, nobody breaking, and nobody shooting the bird. They all had someplace to be and it wasn't in there respective lanes. Of course every car that was behind them had to slam on their brakes. I just went around them and rocketed up the middle, after the show was over of course. Then I come upon a wolf pack driving 10 under the limit, I'm thinking what could be causing this idiocy? A HP in the left lane going 60! Nobody has the testicular fortitude to pass him, I can't get that close to do it or I would have. He finally exits on the right side after making everyone go his pace. HP's, hate em'. Then this dirt bag in a Chevy Berretta, sporting a wife beater and picking his huge nose comes barreling around us and cuts off some mini van. Now this is the dreg I was going to race. He has no regard so I have to take that into consideration, I try to box him and every time he gets away. He is fast but stupid. I know that the cars coming on to the highway slow down, he does not. I jet to the right lane and slow down, so does he, cars come on and wait for him to let them over, he does, and I floor it. Booger boy is now behind me slowing other people down. There were so many wrecks today I quit counting. Fire engines, cop cars, meat wagons, it was insane. People cannot drive when it gets nice, they want to be someplace else I guess. I just wish they would do it behind me.

2003-07-09T14:12:00.002-05:00

5-14-03
I was sick so the roads were safe for humpty dumpty day.

2003-07-09T14:12:00.001-05:00

5-13-03
9 cars! That's how many people occupadoded the left lane/fast lane, but were not going fast. Most were geriatrics; a few were dopes on cell phones. I know, because when I see one hand on the wheel and the other by their face I know they are not making sure they are singing in tune with the radio. I just went around them and shook my head. I long one day to put the cruise control in effect, but that's what dreams are made of. I did have one guy who I wanted to race but he was frying burgers or something in his car, he kept looking down and over, what could he be looking at? I don't know. Apparently May is motorcycle month, "Be aware" they say, yea, I am, I watch them zoom past me, and I'm aware I need one.

2003-07-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

5-12-03
I came in at 1:00pm today, but that did not deter the idiots from the highway. Smooth sailing until a semi named "Blue Mule" was doing, oh, 85mph with two trucks on top of it down the dieway. This guy drove like me, and I'm in a 4 banger. He whipped in and out of lanes. I thought they must have been filming a promo for some TV show the way this guy drove. Pick out your headstones early, somebody's going to get it! The T-Bones are advertising again. "Fun Well-Done". It should say, "Our winning record will be like a steak preferance, RARE."

2003-07-09T14:11:00.003-05:00

5-6-03
Today I'm waiting to get on the highway and I'm behind this lady who is sitting so close to the steering wheel she might as well been the hood ornament. Which in it's self is almost true cause when the light turned green she sped up and then hit her brakes, I almost hit her and she shook her finger at me. "WHAT?!?!" She was so fat that I'm sure her cereal bowl has a lifeguard on duty. She speeds up and goes around traffic, now I'm thinking she is going to the front and this will be my greatest race to date. But she chickens out or stupefies to know that she was in the wrong lane anyway. Then some people who just don't know any better let a bunch of cars and trucks out and into the Dillard's distribution center. I am picking about 5 people to race and beat so I can feel superior. I am in the 6C by the way. I pick this car and he enters the highway, but he is slower than crock-pot and I blow past him and laugh. Then there is this car with a fuzz buster, 9000 antennas all over it, it looks ridiculous, but he can probably pick any TV station in the world, but from the looks of them they didn't look educated at all. They are driving the in fast lane going slow, this slick black Lexus speeds up behind me and gets in front of them. In unison the whole car starts shaking their heads back and forth. I laugh and give Mr. Lexus the thumb high, he knows how to drive. Then up front I see everyone swerving around something. It's not in my lane but the people going around it sure are. There is this guy in a green crappy little Grand Am, which is short for Grandmother car. He is picking his nose not paying any attention, he runs over the "thing" and then he starts to swerve all over the place trying to get it loose from his hunk of junk. Mind you we are all bumper-to-bumper, the people on both sides of him are like "Hello!" He practically cuts right through traffic to get to the emergency lane to see what he ran over. He looks like one of those escaped mental patients, he goes around to the front and yanks this part of someone’s muffler out from under his car and throws it down. I laugh at him cause he is so stupid. Maybe he was mad cause he didn't get to use that pipe to pick his nose. Brain-dead. Then I get to my exit and this lady is smoking and inching up to see if she can go, I don't know how this is possible with the smoke bellowing out of her fog machine. I tell her, "Go! You! put out your cigarette." my son asks, "what's a cigrett?" I tell him he will find out later in life. Much later.
#7
Does your driving change when you go into areas with higher police presence? Nearly all of the participants strongly agree with the statement that they drive more carefully when they know police are in the area. In addition, most participants say they check their rearview mirrors regularly for police cars.
(I hate cops, HP's and any reason for me to slow down. I respect the job they have but it isn't to pull people over who are trying to go to work or home. Let us get where we are going, let the dad who has 3 kids in his car speed a little bit. It's probably the only thing he can get away with.)

2003-07-09T14:11:00.002-05:00

5-7-03
Not much happened today. Traffic moved pretty easy. I did have to give the "evil eye" to one guy who thought it was appropriate to drive with his knees while he fumbled for a cigarette. Hurry and light that fag, fag. Seeing lots of paper tags in the license plate spot. Guess it was a good year for car buyers/sellers. I did race this goofball in a Pathfinder today. He was with his "woman" and he knew I was the jet guy when it came to traffic. He tried to race me and when I would get ahead of him he would be checking his mirrors to see if he could get out of the trap I put him in. He did a couple of times but with Sully Erna growling, "Make me believe! Just take me away from this hell I've created, and I pray, I'm braking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames." I couldn't let this Pathfinder even attempt to find any path past me. He didn't and I zoomed around all the #6 dwarfs and laughed as I exited.
#8
Do you find yourself in confrontations on the road, either through verbal arguments or hand gestures, because of either your own driving habits or the habits of others? While 87% of the bad drivers consider themselves at least somewhat courteous drivers if not very courteous, at least half also admit making obscene or rude gestures or comments to other drivers, particularly those who cut in front of them on the highway. Participants also say, however, that they appreciate a thank-you gesture for letting another driver into their lane, and often give a wave of thanks themselves when they cut into traffic.
(You would think they did this study on me, minus the "bad" part, maybe Boston isn't such a bad place after all. Harvard, a rock band and some baked beans, now that Boston Market thing I must slap somebody for that debacle.)

5-7-03
Amended:
While driving home with my son when we were stopped at the light a guy is smoking next to us. My son asks, "Daddy, why is his hand smoking" He actually put the "ing" on smoke so he knows it's a verb, yikes! I tell him that he is a smoke blower. He says, "Smoke blower? Is he on fire?" Ah, the wonder of children. Guess the "no cigarette" talk will come first.

2003-07-09T14:11:00.001-05:00

5-9-03
T.G.I.F. No, no. T.C.I.J. Take Cover It's Jeff! I tried to be courteous to all the women driving on the road today. Being pre-Mother's Day I signaled when appropriate used friendly hand gestures instead of negative finger ones. And even if they were talking on the cell phone while putting on makeup, I gave them part of my lane without any recoil. Since I didn't know if they were all mothers or not I had to consider they were. Being that the people bomb has blown up and the population is getting bigger everyday, well here, check out this link. http://www.ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop since the mommies had the day off, the guys; well these certain sweat stains were fair game. Like Mr. Audi A4 2.8, I'm not sure if that meant he would let 4 cars in front of him or 2.8 million! He was driving to work, not getting there. See earlier posts for the definition. I am getting to work. I have wait for a lane to clear and give me one shot so I can get around this guy, I finally find it and I look back and he is getting in another lane. He didn't even see my eyes turn red! Spelling Bee announcer, "How do you spell, Audi" me, "Could you use it in a sentence please." GET THAT AUDI OUTTA HERE!! "AUDI!"
And now #10 on the list of bad driver signs.
When you're driving with passengers, do you turn around to talk, taking your eyes and mind off the road? Nearly all group members acknowledged that they are distracted when they have passengers in their vehicles, and most say during conversations they'll turn their heads and stop paying attention to the road. This held true especially for drivers with small children.
If your answers agree with the answers from the focus group, it's likely you tend to be a more aggressive driver than average. Like members of the study, you may also pay more for your auto insurance. Within the study group, 53% pay a surcharge on their auto insurance because of their driving records.
(When I'm driving I am paying attention. I don't look around, I don't turn around, I don't crawl in the backseat to chat with my passengers and hope the "auto pilot" kicks in. Kids are a distraction but if you tell them you can't attend to them right now, they usually understand. Now, if they don't you can always use the line, "don't make me pull this car over." Works for adults too.)

2003-07-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

5-8-03
Today traffic was as thick as a southern drawl on Miss Texas! I couldn't figure out what was taking "normal", loosely defined, people so long. Then I saw it, a guy, standing, by the front of his car, doing, NOTHING!!! I still don't know what that was, I looked in my rear view mirror and then he got in his car and.... who knows? Guess he was jonesing for some smog. Time to put him in a white jacket that makes him hug himself real tight. But it still didn't clear up. Then I come upon a 7-car pile up! Hoods bent, glass everywhere, Ford Explorers kissing Nissan Sentras, Ah how cute. Maybe that's what the escaped mental patient was looking at. By now I was ready to put the 4 banger in 3rd, yes, I hadn't even been able to shift to a decent gear yet. And the whole time I am stuck behind this Acura who tapped her breaks every second, I couldn't go around, I couldn't run over her, I was going nuts. She had one of those ether laced air fresheners still in the plastic wrap! I think it works best out of the bag, goes to show the mental thoroughness of this person. She kept looking in her rear view mirror at herself. When I finally did get to go around she sped up to get out of my way, no thanks! I'll do that for you. I then jettison and use my lane to go around everyone and this guy speeds up cause he knows I'm coming onto the highway. After driving in 2nd for 10 miles I would have gladly cause another pile up to get in front of this boob. He rides me for a while and backs off, smart move cause I am not in the mood. Then he gets ahead of me, race time!! I go around all the traffic and this guy is coming up fast behind me and I practically cause him to pay attention to his idiocy of what he is doing. I trap him in and speed to the front so he will have to go around everyone to get to me. He never did, I had my middle finger cocked and ready to shoot if he did. I hate people like that.
#9
Does your "work hard, play hard" lifestyle leave you sleepy behind the wheel at times? About 50% of those in the study say they have almost fallen asleep while driving and an additional 10% say they have wanted to shut their eyes while driving and almost did. The study found that most participants lead a busy lifestyle that sometimes leaves them sleep-deprived.
(Who doesn't lead a busy lifestyle? Sleep at the wheel? People do that on the ride to work everyday, here is a tip. Listen to something with a beat! If you have Enya's "Orinoco Flow" playing money says you are sleeping like a moron behind 1 ton of steel. Take the bus; you pay taxes for it ya know.)

2003-07-09T14:10:00.002-05:00

5-5-03
Cinco de Mayo. Da fif of May vatos! So would Cinco de Jose Cervo mean a fifth of whiskey? Just checking. Today I "had" to race "Pat" from SNL. This thing was putting on make-up/eyeliner, war paint, while at the stoplight. I thought she must be attractive to apply powered cow tongue to her face, but she was not! She had bushy hair, arm hair that would rival any jungle gorilla and eyebrows that well, lets just say I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I also noticed a Mustang that was drooling to get on the highway, he had water coming out of his tailpipe, that what that means right? He took off like a shot so it was my time to race and beat "Pat" She was ahead of me and when we entered the highway she started that looking in his, sorry her mirror to see if she could get over. I'm in the 4 banger, foot through the floor on a hill. Steve Vai in the CD player ripping his guitar all up, there is no way I'm letting that thing in front of me.
I finally pass her and stick her in the left lane while I boogie to the front of the pack. Then I see this long white haired dog, oops, old woman driving. I try to get past her but she drives just slow enough to box everyone in who is trying to go around her. I will have to tune into "Seniors behind the wheel" on PBS to find out why they do those things. I eventually get past her and I see "Pat" pass me; its arm is out the window so it can let its hair blow. Teen Wolf! I have seen enough, I bolster up to 80mph and find my secret to go around everyone. I pass them both and crank the CD even higher. It may be Cinco de Mayo but it's the day of Jeff.
#6 - I really didn't plan this one.
Does listening to music while you drive sometimes leave you oblivious to all but the music? Some 93% of participants say they listen to the radio while driving. Most say listening to the radio has often caused them to become distracted and in some cases they say listening to loud music has caused them to be more aggressive on the highway.
(Here is a tip, play CD's. The radio does not play music, they blabber for an hour! I have a least 3 CD's in my car at all times. Some for driving and some for singing. And some for playing guitar on the steering wheel. Music calms the savage beast but Godsmack makes me go crazy! Aggressive? It's called defensive driving, they have the ball and I'm trying to knock it out of their cars, am I right? But I have noticed when I'm looking for an address I always turn the volume down, can anyone explain this involuntary reaction?)

2003-07-09T14:10:00.001-05:00

5-2-03
Well nobody to race today, I did give a challenge to a guy who thought that tailgating me meant he would move me out of the way. I didn't but he did go around me and found that I don't let even the speed of sound get past that easy. I did see this chick smoking like she was an extra in a Cheech & Chong movie, roll your windows down honey, air good, smoke bad.
#5
Do you hate driving behind SUVs or other large vehicles that obstruct your view? More than 60% of bad drivers say they are frustrated driving behind SUV's because they are wide and tall and block their vision. In fact, more than 70% believe SUV’s should be required to drive in a separate lane on the highway.
(As I mentioned in an early post I wish I had a periscope to see over those behemoths!! But I need to buy one before I want to wreck someone else’s. Drive in a separate lane on the highway, they do that already, it's called the left lane and they are always going to slow so you can't see around them, back to my periscope comment.)

2003-07-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

5-1-03
Cinco de uno. This Grand Prix was waiting to get on the highway and he was moving too slow so I got in front of him, when we get on the highway he thinks passing me will satisfy his getting passed, silly Pontiac owner. I did have to race this guy for about 5 miles, when I did pass him I just laughed cause 1. He drives a Grand Prix and 2. Some people deserve to be laughed at. Acura's were not my favorite cars today. This geek was driving slowly and he needed to be run over but since I'm in the 4 banger I couldn't, where is Bigfoot when you need him. He is flicking his little gay cigarette and he has on driving gloves!! I about die laughing and he keeps letting cars in front of him so he has to hit his brakes every 2 seconds so I try to go around him. He is talking on his cell phone too, I hurl choice words and he tries to speed up and another Acura cuts him off, this I laugh at really hard now. Driving gloves!? And then another Acura is in my way and I race this joe for another mile or so, he exits and I laugh at him, not enough humor on the ride to work. Then I was behind an Isuzu, bless you. And this guy was going so slow I could see my skin age, take the bus buddy!
#4 on the bad drivers list.
If you're out shopping in a crowded area and are looking for a parking space, do you become so focused on your search that you lose sight of the cars and pedestrians around you? More than half of the participants say that when they're trying to find a parking space in a crowded area, they can become so focused that they become oblivious to other drivers and pedestrians and often get into accidents, whether on the street or in a parking lot.
(If I see a spot open while looking for a closer place to park at the mall, look out! I will run an old lady over and children, well them too. That up front spot is always reserved for the handicapped, so the rest of us fight for a crappy spot miles from where we are shopping. I don't loose sight I gain focus, now if someone wants to run into me cause they are not apt at pulling their head out I will gladly act like I'm hit and roll around on the ground holding my neck.)

2003-07-09T14:09:00.003-05:00

4-30-03
Hump Day, "would you like one hump or two", said the camel salesman. Today before we got on the highway my son said, "look at all those race cars". A tear came to my eye; today my boy is a man. Of course my pride is stifled by an old grandma going slower than a battery drained Rascal scooter to get on the highway so I can actually be one of the race cars. I finally get past her as she adjusts her teeth and wig. Then I see it. A Mustang going fast, it had the license plate of a real stang owner. YELOPONY. And she could drive that thing, almost another tear. But then I get stuck behind these two mullet heads on their way to pour concrete; they were all over the road probably wrestling the spit cup away from each other, dropouts! Then this idiot is riding beside me and speeds up to think that I will let him in front of me, he must be drinking his own Jim Jones Kool-Aid to think that is going to happen. I jet to the left lane and I'm doing 80mph when this peanut brittle (half-nuts) or maybe he was a can of Planters (completely nuts) just slams on his breaks! My workbag goes flying in the floorboard, my son squeals and I'm sure my daughter aged a year. I quickly get the heck away from this buzz cut psycho and speed up to cut him off. Then I pass a Hy-Vee semi, it has pictures of their district managers on the side, mind you they are 300 times the size of a normal person and they are u g l y. No make-up, no touch-ups, hideous! At least put someone attractive on the side. I want to make a bumper sticker that says, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate yourself because you're not".
#3 of Boston, sorry bad driver signs.
Do you take your coffee and muffin or other food and drink on the road with you, driving with one hand while using the other to eat? Some 60% of those in the study say they either frequently or occasionally eat while they're driving. In fact, several of the participants say they have spilled drinks and attempted to clean up the spill while driving.
("Let's go get food and drive". How good for you we do that, enjoy your burger, what? Am I following that truck to close, he's stopping? What? B A M!!! Clean up the spill while driving??? How about mop up the death afterward. No wonder these people wreck. It reminds me of the Allstate commercial where they show this car driving along and nobody is at the wheel for about 15 seconds and then this dirt bag leans up and holds up a CD he found on the floorboard of his car. "Yea, there out there" is the quote. Meaning you should get insurance against them, forget that, those people deserve to be greased.

2003-07-09T14:09:00.002-05:00

4-29-03
Today there was a guy standing on the corner of the entrance ramp giving everyone the "thumbs high" salute, so my son and I did the same, hope he wasn't looking for a ride at the busiest place in the city. As I was going under the bridge I saw an HP coming off of it but he was stuck behind a truck filled with high school dropouts and Gott coolers on each side. I jetted to 85mph so I wouldn't have to get stuck behind people who are scared to pass a cop. I passed this wet haired, smoking like a chimney bleach blonde skank. I'll bet she smells nice when everything dries out. I must say the metal moths have eaten away at least half of the cars I see on the road now. It's disgusting. I'm just waiting for a piece of their "piece" to fall off and I run over it. It would pop a tire, then I would pop a vein, not a good one two punch for anybody involved.
And now #2 of the top 10 bad driver signs.
*Do you talk on the cell phone while driving instead of pulling off and stopping to talk? A total of 77% of bad drivers say they do this either frequently or occasionally. Only 13% say they never talk on a cell phone while driving.
(It's a cell phone for a reason, it's portable. Now if the state would build "cell phone stops" without making us pay for them I would say okay. I do however hate people who cannot do two things at once like talking on a cell and driving. They should give the "pat your head and rub your tummy" test to all people who purchase a cell phone, if you can't do it then it would prove that you couldn't buy the thing. Simple but effective. And the 13% are the ones who are yelling at the 77%, that's the poll they didn't take. "Yea, I'm in my ca on the phone.)

2003-07-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

4-28-03
Munday. This week and next I'll be telling you about 10 things that make people bad drivers. There was a study done in Bastan, Massachusetts that well if for nothing else gives me 10 reasons why I should never drive there but people do this stuff everywhere anyway.
Today is post Sunday, it is supposed to rain so everyone is already sleeping at the wheel. I was all over the road like a squirrel in Spring. I passed this jig smoking a "cigarette", it looked like he was on fire, I'm sure it came from his private brand of smokes. He must have thought he was in Hotlanta and on his way to his crib from a long night of... ah heck who cares, just move that clunker holmes! When I merge with the driving dead I always give the "hand of thanks wave" but this troll got in front of me and didn't do it. Not one of the 10 reasons for bad driving, but come on, at least acknowledge that I let you in, forget out being nice anymore. I'm seeing a lot of American flag bumper stickers and flags attached to cars, "Support our troops" and I think it's great! God bless America, God forsake the rest of em'. Missouri has been posting billboards with messages like, "We're #2! Missouri has the second worst roads in America" www.rebuildingmissouri.com HA! Now that's how to make the taxpayers who paid for that sign feel like it's being said loud enough, I've been saying that for years, except I think they are #1. And now KC has a minor league baseball team to promote, The T-Bones, baseball well done. OMG this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen, they pull the J-Lo perfume ads for this, no wonder everyone drives crazy. Should I throw a steak on the field if they get a hit? D U M B. And while waiting for the light this "berdash" (half man/half woman) turns in front of me. How do I know, well it had a cleft in its chin bigger than John Travolta. Yuk! If it had smiled at me I would have needed a visine wash to dilute the image. Now this weeks #1 of the top 10 bad driver signs.
*When you reach a stop sign and no one is coming from another direction, do you roll through instead of stopping? An overwhelming majority (87%) of the bad drivers say they should be able to speed, go through stop signs, and break other driving rules and regulations as long as no one gets hurt.
(This is funny, "well I didn't see anyone coming". Who does this? Bad drivers, that's who. Should be able to? Reason #1 not to move to Bastan.)